Sarcasm

Off late I have been enjoying The Big Bang Theory. And the character which appeals the most to me is Sheldon. The high IQ part, love of Physics and know all attitude apart, another similarity which I find with the character, is our innocence when it comes to decoding Sarcasm.

For a very long time I was in the dark as to what the word SARCASM meant itself. I first came across the term in my 6^th standard when while reading a writer’s biopic, came a sentence, “He was a master of sarcasm.” Sarcasm? What was that? An average student would have either asked the teacher what it meant or better still just not bother about it as he didn’t bother about the other things that he didn’t understand. But, I thought I’ll look it up in the dictionary when I reach home. Then in the Geography lecture that followed, the teacher spoke about SAARC (South Asian Association for Regional Co-operation). Being the analytical and inquisitive mind that I was since a tender age I figured out that in English all religions end with ‘ism’. For eg., Jainism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism, Zorostrianism and so on. So, SARCASM was the RELIGION OF THE SAARC PEOPLE. I didn’t discuss this with anyone, wanting to selfishly hoard the knowledge to myself as many of my colleagues still do.

Then I entered medicine. This field has been a life changer for me in more ways than one. In medicine I learnt that anything that ends with an ‘asm’ is a disease. Eg., spasm, neoplasm etc. So, when I was the Editor-in-Chief of the Medical College Magazine last year and some of the members on the editorial board suggested that we add a section on Sarcasm in the magazine, I realised that in the light of the recent advances in vocabulary, as sarcasm has an ‘asm’ not ‘ism’ it is a disease and as almost everyone that you see at in my college is into some or the other research, perhaps they had researched into sarcasm and wanted to publish their findings. OK, I said. Why not? This also cleared my long lasting doubt as to what ‘being sarcastic’ was. I always felt bad, that despite trying to search for literature on the Practices and Believes of Sarcasm and finding none, people easily used phrases such as ‘stop behaving sarcastic’, ‘very sarcastic’ etc. How did they know so much about the concepts of Sarcasm, a long lost religion when it wasn’t even being taught in school or preached somewhere? Now, if I were to consider Sarcasm as a disease, then being Sarcastic made sense, just as being spastic made sense. That writer that I had read about was a biologist who had researched on sarcasm and also written some novels, like most of us nowadays. (I thought it was related to sarcoidosis)

Just by the way, when Baba Ramdev was enjoying his claim to fame, for a short time I also believed that Sarcasm was described in Yoga as Sarc-Aasan, and when I had gone on a tour to South India, I thought Sarcasm was a Mallu delicacy like Rasam, Uttapam, Payappam, Prasadam etc. etc.

So, we had a full section dedicated to sarcasm and my editors handpicked the articles for the section. And when the book was released, a large chunk of people came complaining, ‘There is no sarcasm in sarcasm.’ A couple of contributors even came and said, ‘Jayesh, how could you put my article in sarcasm. It was intended for philosophy, not sarcasm!’ To this my standard reply would be, “I know. Even I didn’t find anything in your article sarcastic, but the editors made the choices.” I mean they were not research papers, but the editors would have labelled me a dictator if I had objected to this decision of theirs.

But, the final nail in the coffin came last week and my eyes opened and I finally got down opening the dictionary and looking up what sarcasm actually meant. I’ll describe the chain of events for you. There is this old foe turned friend in college. Old foe, because we were competitors in 12^th and she wouldn’t be particularly happy on seeing my usually delirious devilish demeanour (I know because she was quite vocal about it then as she is now), turned friend, because as luck would have it, we were batch mates in the first year and she sort of relied on me to pass her exams. Not that I showed her my papers, but she somehow managed to take a peek into them anyway. So, old foe, you can’t trust. She would encourage me to write about people in our college and comment on all the gossip that was going on. While at the same time, she went about bhadkaoing all those people and uksaoing them to slap me,  until a weak hearted human being finally fell for the temptation last week. As I walked into her and a common friend to whom a blog has been dedicated, she declared to me what she was doing all these years when I considered her a friend and even before I could say anything, I had five fingers imprinted on my left cheek, courtesy the other friend as he declared, “Jayesh, how could you have written such things about me.” One more had come up to the Gymkhana the other day, in a manner that was quite reminiscent of those movies of 70s & 80s when the hero (usually Dharmendra) would enter into the villain’s den, unarmed and alone, shout “Kutte-kamine, maa ka doodh piya hai to bahar nikal”, tell him a few things right-left and centre, enrage him, then about 2000 strong fauj of the villain, with fully loaded guns and grenades would attack him, and with a few acrobatic skills and a fighting technique with sound effects of ‘bhishum bhishum’ would kill them all and leave, his anger avenged. Luckily, this time no one got killed, but he did speak to me requesting me “to stop this non sense”, in some not so polite words. The next day onward, I decided to be a little careful about what I commented. So, while I usually am very straight faced and do not hold myself back even while making nasty comments, and refrain from saying polite things as a rule, I toned down a bit and commented “Nice photo” on the profile pic of one of my friends. I expected the reply would be, “Thank you JAYESH”. Instead I got, “Are you being sarcastic?”

This is what people have begun to think of me. Even Anu Kapoor calls me a ‘Sarcastic sperm’ now. 

Just think, if every discussion is to be viewed sarcastically the following exchange of little sweet nothings that I heard while I was sneaking up on the lovebirds in my college will have a completely different meaning,

Girl:  Do you love me?

Boy: Yes. Yes, I love you.

Girl: How much?

Boy: I cannot tell you.

Girl: Till when will you love me?

Boy: Till death do us apart.

Girl: What will you do if I die? (Didn’t you hear, he said the love lasts only till death do you apart.)

Boy: I will go mad. (Seriously???)

Girl: You love only me?

Boy: Yes, only you. And no one else. Tumhari Qassam! (Take the hint lady!)

Girl: When will I meet your mother?

Boy: There is no need. I have told her I will bring home the girl of my choice.

Girl: What do you like about me?

Boy: Nothing in particular, everything in general. Ask me if there is something I do not like about you.

Girl: If an apsara came down and offered you all the wealth in the world, will you leave me for her?

Boy: Leave you. For her????? Never.

Girl: What do I have that an apsara does not have?

The further conversation took a course that is not suitable for a blog meant for family viewing.

I have always been truthful about my opinion. After hunting down Chinkaras and getting drunk and running their cars over poor people sleeping on pavements, don’t you forgive people in the name of Being Human? I have always called smart people smart without intending it to mean dumb. Is it my fault, if you read too much in between the lines and think about yourself the other way round? Anyway, if ever you have felt about yourself that way after reading my blog, intentionally or unintentionally, I apologise. Please forgive me.

WHEN I UNDERTOOK A PAST LIFE REGRESSION!

I am one of those people who is constantly influenced by trends in society, a little slow to understand stuff and one who always messes up in life, big time. I watch only those movies which come with sub-titles. I hardly apply my own knowledge and utilize my own understanding. I feel using my common sense will deplete it. I do what everyone else does – blind folded. It is easier to follow in the footsteps of others than trying to be a yourself. You mix in well with you know, and don't take up fights and animosities and always end up with bad company. Everyone loves you and you love everyone back and love spreads and overwhelms my life at times.




My mom always maintained that I should restrict myself to singing on television and not at home or in temples or public places to keep myself safe from being mobbed down by fans. So, I participated in Indian Idol. There were so many souls there who thought that they were great singers. Well if just learning one song would make someone a good singer, I can sing all songs new or old, classical or western with equal finesse and expertise, that too without any training. But they did not even let in me audition. Such injustice. When I argued for my right to participation, they said,” You sing so well, that the judges will get a bout of depression and music labels will have to shut down as people may stop listening to music all together.”


But I did not lose hope. I took this rejection in my stride. I then went to audition for “ the Great Indian Laughter Challenge”. There too the same problem. They did not let me audition saying that the quality of my jokes was way too advanced for the public to understand it, appreciate it and be able to laugh.


OK. Fine. So next went, for “ Dance India Dance”. Baby bad luck followed me there as well. My partner was a bit heavy, and I could not catch her when she jumped in the air. ( I felt intimidated). she fell off the stage. I was disqualified. Her mother stared threatening to sue me. And I was fined for the table that broke.


Then I recollected, that I had read some where that social service helps to bye bye baby bad luck. So I went to an asylum. I met an acquaintance there. He looked at me and smiled happily. How happy he was to see me there!!! Even before I would tell him the reason for my arrival, he muttered, “Now you've come where you belong”. He sent two peons to usher me. For the first time in my life I felt that I belonged somewhere. This is where I wanted to be. But again, I was kicked out. I protested. But they said that my influence was too much for them to handle.


This is not right. I am a specially talented personality. At every stage of life I've had set backs only because I am more talented than others. Ye kaha ka insaaf hai?


Then I decided to go for 'Sach ka Samna'. He asked me the first question – Have you ever been kicked out? I said “ Yes.”


Q. 2 Have you ever put on your shirt buttons. - No.


Q. 3 Does your mother still spoon feed you. - Yes.


Q. 4 Do people run away from you.- Yes.


Q. 5 Do you have an ambition in life. - No.


Q. 6 Have you ever spoken intelligent. - No.


Q. 7 Do you bed wet. - Yes.


Q. 8 Are you ever of any help. - No.


Q. 9 Is Ram Gopal Varma ki Aag your favourite movie. - Yes.


The next question was to give me Rs. 10 lakh. This amount could not be taken away from me. He offered me to quit. But I have never been afraid of telling truth in my life. I decided to continue.


Q. 10 Do you forget to wear your pants when you go out. - No.


But be said that it was a wrong answer. I had once again come so close to winning and lost it. Now, I realise, perhaps this is the reason why people giggle when I pass by.


My instant fame got me a fan though. This girl contacted me. She said she had always dreamt of a loyal and true person like me all her life. We met. I fell for her. Her hair was blonde and she was very intelligent. “Jackpot !”, I exclaimed. We had a quite a private time on the wada-pav thela. I liked way she was fighting for a 25 paise coin. Such a courageous girl. We were outside an electronics store, where she pointed to an oven and said it was the latest TV. Such a sense of humor. When we were on our way back, I told her that I liked her blonde hair. But that her teeth were more blonde than her hair. She walked off and never came back. Shattered!!


That's when I saw a new TV show on past life regression. I applied. I wanted to know what I had done, that I was suffering such set backs.


I reached the set. The lady told me to relax. She said she would hypnotize me. I soon lost all touch with reality. Now she was controlling me.


I wandered over endless desserts, and seas and mountains and clouds.


Until I reached some trance. I was visualizing my past lives.






Life 1: I was a tortoise. I sang songs in the pond. Pond had dried. Birdie offered help. Took me by a twig. Midway in air requested a song. I sang. Crashed.


Life 2: I was a joker in a King's court. Pulled the king's mustache and kissed his daughter. Nailed.


Life 3: I was a damsel in distress. Knight came to my rescue. Master attacked him. I wore a short skirt. Knight distracted. Knight died.


Life 4: I was scientist. Wanted to prove law of gravity and air resistance. Jumped along with apple and feather from a tower. Proved the law, but didn't live to tell to others.


Life 5: I was a hunk. Hottie asked me if I knew a man who would rub suntan. Directed her to the beach cafe.


Life 6: I was a blonde. Doomed.


Things now got crystal clear to me. I had to break the jinx. I decided to get realistic. I decided that I should study and become intelligent and smart and make “wise decisions”. Got good marks in 10th. Chose science. Studied hard in 12th.






Current life: Doctor.

100 THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE

1. Read my blog.
2. Bang the door in the face of a stranger.
3. Invite someone to lunch and do not turn up.
4. Pass derogatory comments on someone’s appearance.
5. Criticise a co-worker’s hard worked project.
6. Bring Gutkha to work.
7. Intentionally block someone’s road in rush hour traffic.
8. Pick up the tip of a waiter/waitress.
9. Tell a cashier “You’ll be robbed today”.
10. Call your ex’s present.
11. Enforce on someone that they *miss you *.
12. Ask someone to pay for your movie
13. Let someone know how deeply you hate them
14. Tease someone at a mental asylim.
15. Leave a child in a zoo cage with a lion anf hippopotamus.
16. Deflate your spouse’s car tyres.
17. Irritate someone with a false gift
18. Dirty the floor just after the cleaning staff has finished its work
19. Demand a share in property of a distant relative
20. Tell someone you were abusing them the other day
21. Hit a child with a ball
22. Rob your neighbour’s cake
23. Send allergens to someone where they work
24. Spill tea over a friend
25. Tear a good book you borrowed from someone
26. Rob others clothes while they dry
27. Intentionally push an elderly person on road
28. Shoplift other’s groceries a the cash counter
29. Drink “blood”
30. Disturb your friends baby when he/she/it is busy sleeeping.
31. Dump your kachra in your neighbour’s veranda.
32. Tell someone to get up saying the seat is reserved for you.
33. Look teasingly at someone carrying a heavy load.
34. Ask to see a stores manager and ill treat him.
35. Skip a que in grocery stores
36. Hug a good looking girl on the road for no reason.
37. Hold your doctor responsible for your ailments.
38. Bitch about someone else continuously.
39. Leave an inflammatory comment on someone’s answering machine.
40. Destroy someone’s aspirations.
41. Rob a child off his lolypop.
42. Forge a loan.
43. rob paper from a copier machine.
44. Tell someone that they are the most untrustworthy persons on earth.
45. Rob an umbrella on a rainy day.
46. Destroy your neighbour’s flower or plant.
47. Burgle into your friends home while they are away.
48. Treat others as if they are your slaves.
49. Cheat a child in a board game.
50. Tell an elderly person to stop moaning about his good old days
51. Dessert your family in bad weather and bad times.
52. Break someone’s fishpot.
53. Spit out someone’s food.
54. Rudely criticise someone who is depressed.
55. Tell someone you cursed them.
56. Tear other families’ children’s clothes.
57. Infest the entire neighbourhood’s vegetables.
58. Call your spouse to say you love your secretary.
59. Act as an attention seeker.
60. Hit someone with pebbles.
61. Ask someone about *his * wife and *your children *.
62. Neglect someone’s birthday.
63. Spit on the car next to yours.
64. Tell someone how you have better qualities than them.
65. Leave your shopping cart on the street.
66. Term someone’s dream as hypothetical.
67. Add your bill to someone else’s without them knowing it.
68. Leave a love letter addressed to someone else where your partner will find it.
69. Back answer an older person for advising you.
70. Keep someone’s pet hungry while they are away.
71. Tell your child how disgusted you feel about him.
72. Avoid a sick person.
73. Watch all episodes of big brother, Raakhi ka swayamvar, Raaakhi ka insaaf.
74. Leave a piece of chewed chewing gum on your co-workers seat.
75. Skip your child’s performance.
76. Break someone’s ipod.
77. Call a random number and start abusing.
78. Take something away from others home as gifts.
79. Write a poem for someone.
80. Make prank calls to your local police and fire department.
81. Litter your neighbourhood.
82. Destroy a child’s birdhouse.
83. Check in on an old person and ask when they’re gonna *die *.
84. Tell someone to give up cooking after they host you.
85. Bully a new employee at work.
86. While in a car push other’s heads out.
87. Take the bigger piece of cake first.
88. Stop and take a drink from a kids lemonade stand and donot pay him.
89. Never apologise for your mistake.
90. Project a middle finger to someone when they’re looking for a parking space.
91. send a copy of an old photograph to a wrong friend.
92. Hit a bowlful of icecream on your spouse’s face.
93. Put your work on others’ shoulders.
94. Act jealous of others when they tell you a good news.
95. Tell your co-worker the project would have been more successful
had you been involved not him.
96. Hit your spouse at the end of the day.
97. Always have breakfast in bed.
98. Tell someone they’ve gained weight.
99. Ridicule a charity show.
100. Tell your friend to read my blog.

Secrets of a PJ - Finally Revealed

For most of you who know me, will be aware of my favourite hobby, PJ ing. Many of you must be wondering what is it that gives me the strength to continue day in and day out, relentlessly every single minute? Well as I have been the uncrowned king of PJs for the past 3 years in a row, I feel that it is my duty to enlighten the masses about this talent.

So, what are the basic requirements to be a PJ ist?

First, you need to be very observant. Yes, you need to be very keen in your observations. Especially, you need to have a very sharp sense of hearing. You must be able to catch hold of any word spoken by a colleague and remember it for a long time.

Second, you need to have a “wild” imagination. You should be able to dream and build up hypothetical scenarios and fit in events from your daily life into them. The more bizarre your imagination can get, the more is the probability of your success. For example, if someone asks you, “hey, what’s up?”. You should be able to answer, “tube light, fans or ceiling”. That’s for the beginners. More experienced personnel can respond by talking about atoms and molecules of oxygen, nitrogen, CO2, SO2, about microbes and viruses, etc.

Third, you need to have courage. Courage is very important to master this art. Since, very few people are well versed with this art, and it is a difficult one, you must be able to deal with any comments that are flung at you by the critics. You must not be afraid to take a pick at your closest friend or sometimes even at yourself for the sake of the art.

Fourth, you need to be comfortable. It is just like a coy actress appearing for the first time in short skirts in a bollywood movie. If she is not comfortable in it, the audience will not enjoy it. You too need forego all your inhibitions.

Fifth, you need to be very determined. Everyone is not successful at the first attempt. Do not lose heart, persuade yourself to continue and success will be yours.

Sixth and seventh are very closely related, dedication and devotion to your work. You must be looking forth to cracking a PJ every single moment, walking, talking, sleeping, bathing……. you must not hold yourself back and speak out whenever something sparks, be it in a lecture, in a meeting, with your beloved, or just anywhere.

Ninth, confidence. You need to be confident about what you speak. It is this confidence which will save you from any possible assault.

Tenth, respect. You must have respect for fellow proponents of the art.

Eleventh, you must have the capacity to talk incessantly for long duration of time, even hours at end if the situation demands.

Twelfth, and most important, you must be a joyful person. You must be able to find out the humour hidden in even the weirdest of the situations and put it forth irrespective of your mood and feelings.

And, lastly (thirteenth), you need to develop your own style which should be different from anyone else. You must be very expressive. You should master the art of facial expressions and body movements to add some spice to your argument. Besides, you need to have a lot of reading. You must have a good vocabulary to stun people with your choice of words. You must be able to coin new words.

These, were but a few major requirements to be good PJ master. Ultimately, the call has to come from within. It is just like taking a horse to the water. I’ve done that. Now, you have to drink the water. These are just the basic rules for successful PJ ing. Individual variations are possible. Any knowledge is useless unless put to practice. So, start immediately and remember that, “Practice makes a man Perfect”.

By the way, point eight missing. You looked up and smiled. Yes, you have it in you. Don’t hold back. Let your talent blossom. For further guidance feel free to contact me. P.S. - this document is protected by copyright laws.

16 POINTS THAT WILL HELP YOU DISTINGUISH BETWEEN A NORMAL GUY AND A "DUDE".

16 POINTS THAT WILL HELP YOU DISTINGUISH BETWEEN A NORMAL GUY AND A "DUDE".

“Yo Dude, what's up?”, just happens to be the most commonly uttered statement of the urban lingo. Everyone is a "DUDE", now a days.

I was taken aback, when someone I happened to meet after a long span of time addressed me as a “ Dude” . I, at first thought that perhaps he had mistaken me for someone else,but no, he recollected my name just fine.

This sent me into sort of a thought spiral as to how I had unconsciously transformed into a “Dude'. I spent many a days gauging at my reflexion in front of the mirror. I started going through my recent photos, comparing them to my erstwhile ones, when I wasn't a "DUDE". But, to no avail. It then occurred to me that my dear friend may also have been addressed by someone as a "DUDE", and in all his wisdom taken it to be a respectful complement, and in his effort to bowl me over with his vocabulary prowess may have rattled it out. The day is not far, when guys will start addressing their wives and girlfriends as “Dudes”, and perhaps then they may be forced to find out what it means.

In the mean time, those who want to play safe and not run into trouble, may follow these basic guidelines.

1. A “Dude” is specifically a guy, as per the current classification.

2. His age can range from 14 years onwards to as long as he lives.

3. A normal person prefers speaking in Hindi, Marathi, or his local tongue. A “Dude” behaves as if these are alien to him.

4. A “Dude” speaks English. He has an accent, which is easily recognized to be fake, and which renders him incognito. Whenever a normal guy speaks English he is clear and understandable.

5. A “Dude's” chest and upper arm are his greatest dimensions. A normal guy's waist is usually his greatest dimension.

6. A normal guy dyes his white hair black, while a "DUDE" dyes his black hair white.

7. When with his beloved, a normal guy would look at her. A “Dude” on the other hand is busy trying to get her to look at his biceps and pectorals.

8. A normal guy usually does not spend much on his love. A “Dude” takes a loan for his 'love'.

9. A normal guy's shoulder is usually big enough for his girl to cry on. A “Dude's” shoulder is usually small enough for the girl's entire clan to cry on.

10. A normal guy learns from his mistakes. He only thinks of being with that cute girl. A “Dude” is with a new cute girl every fortnight. Only a “Dude” is dumb enough to commit the same mistake so often.

11. A normal guy's diet is rich in fats. A “Dude's” diet is rich in steroids.

12.Most of a normal guy's nutrition is channeled to his brain. Most of a “Dude's” nutrition in channeled to useless chunks of flesh.

13. A normal guy has more gray matter and less red muscles. A “Dude” has only red muscles, and no gray matter.

14. Most of a normal guy's gray matter is situated between his ears. While, that of a “Dude” is in the knee joint.

15. A normal guy says “TIBIA and FIBULA”, while a “Dude” says,'TIBULA' or 'FIBIA'.

16. The dictum, once a "DUDE" always a "DUDE", is not true.

There have been rare instances of reversion back to normalcy.

“So "DUDE", I think I have made myself clear !”