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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Mumbai- An alternate viewpoint.

Astonished by the recent developmental spurt of the city! Just within 5 years the look of the city has completely changed. But look at it from my view point, I'd say the city is feeling sick - and I refer to Mumbai not Mumbaikars.

Towers have sprung where once existed ground floored chalis. The skyline of the city has retracted like the hairline of an aging person. Birds are being replaced with mobile towers and TV antennas. People like me now get to see the sunrise only on a computer wall-paper. When I walk on the road, I feel I am inhaling cement not oxygen. Indeed, that's a beautifull spectacle, isn't it ?

The trees along the roads have been ceremoniously cut down for either road widening, or off late for infra-structure projects like metros and skywalks. And yes also not to forget, the mangrooves which disappear overnight as shanties appear. Also now the obsession of our hon'ble environment minister to build an airport where mangrooves exist. Please realise that concrete doesnot breathe out oxygen, trees do, and humans are not anaerobic, they do require some amount of oxygen for surviving. Of what use is a project if it hinders the life and well being of the citizens.

His renal profile is totally deranged. This also accounts for his symptoms. His kidneys can't efficiently remove all the waste his body is generating and they are piling up and killing him with many diseases.

I do a sonography, his prostrate is enlarged. That also partly explains why, even if his kidneys generate some urine, its is still there in his bladder and breeding infections.

Let us visualise Mumbai as a human. Being a medico that I am, allow me to present it my way.

A man presents with the problems of fastly receding hairline. He also complains of breathlessness and choking. I do a X-ray. CT, MRI, PET Scan and all the other things that are available. Findings are uniform, his lungs have solidified and are collapsing.. 

He also complains of feeling very sluggish. He also says he has been suffering from many diverse infections off late. His BP is raised. So, I do his cardiac and renal work-up. The findings. Almost each and every of his major artery and vein has a thrombus. This is what is causing the sluggish flow and his fatiguability. But even more dangerous than this is the fact that thrombii are known to break and migrate to other areas like brain and lungs, get stuck there and cause instant death.

His renal profile is totally deranged. This also accounts for his symptoms. His kidneys can't efficiently remove all the waste his body is generating and they are piling up and killing him with many diseases.

I do a sonography, his prostrate is enlarged. That also partly explains why, even if his kidneys generate some urine, its is still there in his bladder and breeding infections.

He also recalls of a severe external injury not long ago. His serum studies show presence of auto-antibodies – antibodies produced by the body against its own tissues. This has rendered his immune system so weak that it can not concentrate on external infections, and has made him susceptible to many more infections and is also harming his other systems.

I take a complete detailed history to find the cause. The findings aren't surprising.

In his hay days, he was a macho. He consumed much more than he could have digested and still continues to do so. That's what over-worked his systems. That's what led to the immune reactions. Now, his systems are failing. And he has all sorts of nutritional deficiencies. I advise him to exert self control. But, he says it is beyond his power to control. I tell him to exercise. He neither has the time nor the space. I start him on drugs to control his immune reactions.

So, I decide to intervene surgically. I put stents in every artery and vein I can reach. Create every possible by-pass I can. Put him on a dialysis. Infuse immune cells from outside. For me, he is “the patient”. Every system in failure. And I get to do every procedure I've learnt. And he is a chronic case. Rich and affording. Just wants to get cured. Doesn't bother about costs. My pockets are also happy.

But, this is how he will be affected. Prosthetics are not your body. Stents cant replace arteries. They tend to increase the risk of clots. Plus, they come with a shelf-life. They have to be maintained. They are providing for the current stress but will not be able to cope with future stresses. The dialysis will hamper his life. He'll live, but will it be woth it? Also, its not predictable, whether his immune system will weaken or strenghten and also when the auto antibodies will become resistant to the drugs I'm giving him. And all these continuous procedures will destroy him as an individual. The picture is gross, but as his doctor, very profitable for me.

The enlarged prostrate represents the Mumbai hype. It attracts all sorts of people. And then they get so stuck up here, that even if they want to leave they can't. They are shattered with broken dreams, and are then susceptible as instruments for anti-social elements. The failing kidneys are our pathetic waste disposal systems, which are breeding more infections.

The arteries are our infrastructure systems- not inefficient, but over-worked.

There is still time, I can save Mumbai. Are you with me?

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


I am one of those people who is constantly influenced by trends in society, a little slow to understand stuff and one who always messes up in life, big time. I watch only those movies which come with sub-titles. I hardly apply my own knowledge and utilize my own understanding. I feel using my common sense will deplete it. I do what everyone else does – blind folded. It is easier to follow in the footsteps of others than trying to be a yourself. You mix in well with you know, and don't take up fights and animosities and always end up with bad company. Everyone loves you and you love everyone back and love spreads and overwhelms my life at times.

My mom always maintained that I should restrict myself to singing on television and not at home or in temples or public places to keep myself safe from being mobbed down by fans. So, I participated in Indian Idol. There were so many souls there who thought that they were great singers. Well if just learning one song would make someone a good singer, I can sing all songs new or old, classical or western with equal finesse and expertise, that too without any training. But they did not even let in me audition. Such injustice. When I argued for my right to participation, they said,” You sing so well, that the judges will get a bout of depression and music labels will have to shut down as people may stop listening to music all together.”

But I did not lose hope. I took this rejection in my stride. I then went to audition for “ the Great Indian Laughter Challenge”. There too the same problem. They did not let me audition saying that the quality of my jokes was way too advanced for the public to understand it, appreciate it and be able to laugh.

OK. Fine. So next went, for “ Dance India Dance”. Baby bad luck followed me there as well. My partner was a bit heavy, and I could not catch her when she jumped in the air. ( I felt intimidated). she fell off the stage. I was disqualified. Her mother stared threatening to sue me. And I was fined for the table that broke.

Then I recollected, that I had read some where that social service helps to bye bye baby bad luck. So I went to an asylum. I met an acquaintance there. He looked at me and smiled happily. How happy he was to see me there!!! Even before I would tell him the reason for my arrival, he muttered, “Now you've come where you belong”. He sent two peons to usher me. For the first time in my life I felt that I belonged somewhere. This is where I wanted to be. But again, I was kicked out. I protested. But they said that my influence was too much for them to handle.

This is not right. I am a specially talented personality. At every stage of life I've had set backs only because I am more talented than others. Ye kaha ka insaaf hai?

Then I decided to go for 'Sach ka Samna'. He asked me the first question – Have you ever been kicked out? I said “ Yes.”

Q. 2 Have you ever put on your shirt buttons. - No.

Q. 3 Does your mother still spoon feed you. - Yes.

Q. 4 Do people run away from you.- Yes.

Q. 5 Do you have an ambition in life. - No.

Q. 6 Have you ever spoken intelligent. - No.

Q. 7 Do you bed wet. - Yes.

Q. 8 Are you ever of any help. - No.

Q. 9 Is Ram Gopal Varma ki Aag your favourite movie. - Yes.

The next question was to give me Rs. 10 lakh. This amount could not be taken away from me. He offered me to quit. But I have never been afraid of telling truth in my life. I decided to continue.

Q. 10 Do you forget to wear your pants when you go out. - No.

But be said that it was a wrong answer. I had once again come so close to winning and lost it. Now, I realise, perhaps this is the reason why people giggle when I pass by.

My instant fame got me a fan though. This girl contacted me. She said she had always dreamt of a loyal and true person like me all her life. We met. I fell for her. Her hair was blonde and she was very intelligent. “Jackpot !”, I exclaimed. We had a quite a private time on the wada-pav thela. I liked way she was fighting for a 25 paise coin. Such a courageous girl. We were outside an electronics store, where she pointed to an oven and said it was the latest TV. Such a sense of humor. When we were on our way back, I told her that I liked her blonde hair. But that her teeth were more blonde than her hair. She walked off and never came back. Shattered!!

That's when I saw a new TV show on past life regression. I applied. I wanted to know what I had done, that I was suffering such set backs.

I reached the set. The lady told me to relax. She said she would hypnotize me. I soon lost all touch with reality. Now she was controlling me.

I wandered over endless desserts, and seas and mountains and clouds.

Until I reached some trance. I was visualizing my past lives.

Life 1: I was a tortoise. I sang songs in the pond. Pond had dried. Birdie offered help. Took me by a twig. Midway in air requested a song. I sang. Crashed.

Life 2: I was a joker in a King's court. Pulled the king's mustache and kissed his daughter. Nailed.

Life 3: I was a damsel in distress. Knight came to my rescue. Master attacked him. I wore a short skirt. Knight distracted. Knight died.

Life 4: I was scientist. Wanted to prove law of gravity and air resistance. Jumped along with apple and feather from a tower. Proved the law, but didn't live to tell to others.

Life 5: I was a hunk. Hottie asked me if I knew a man who would rub suntan. Directed her to the beach cafe.

Life 6: I was a blonde. Doomed.

Things now got crystal clear to me. I had to break the jinx. I decided to get realistic. I decided that I should study and become intelligent and smart and make “wise decisions”. Got good marks in 10th. Chose science. Studied hard in 12th.

Current life: Doctor.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Will the card parallel the nicer interference?

Monday, January 3, 2011


The Girl of my Dreams

As I turn two and one,
I can't help but think about the one,

The one who'll have the power to change my life,
The one who'll be my wife !

On my psyche she's made a mark,
I see her every dark !

Her face, is like a moon,
That she's alive, is in itself a boon !

Her eyes are big and round,
Her thyroid levels know no bound !

It seems, she always stares,
Hell ! Do I actually care ?

Her ears are pointed and low,
And she cannot hear the dogs bow-bow,

Her nose, I like,
All scents, she finds alike !

Her teeth are proper set, not crooked,
My ideas, she does not find wicked !

She has blonde hair,
And She's the sole daughter of a billionaire !

Her behavior, is to seek attention,
That's not what gives me tension !

Very willing she is to teach,
In the mall, to every stranger she begins to preach !

Every philosophy, she embraces,
When she smiles, she exposes her braces !

She is very minglish,
Her language of choice is English !

Her head, is home to the louse,
The beauty-parlour is her second house !

She does not know how to make sevpuri or bhelpuri,
But, she's fluent in Bhojpuri !

Her laughter, is like a bunny,
My jokes, she finds funny !!!

In all spheres of life she excels,
In T-shirts and trousers, she’s triple XLs !

Thank God she’s not size zero,
She is my superhero !

Such are her features,
I am totally in love with this creature !

The girl of my dreams is not dumb or mute,
She is, in fact, filthy rich and cute !

Nineteen ninety, now its two thousand eleven,
I want to meet her before I go to heaven !

Time is little, (and I also have to study)
Please help me find her, Buddy !

So, all you ladies and laidas,
If, any of these qualities you posses,
Or know of someone, I can assess,

Remember, this is, what I prefer,
To Jayesh Vira, kindly refer !