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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Last Wishes

It is true, that I am dead! This blog is being directly published from Heaven! You lucky little human beings, read it, while you still can.
What all has transpired in heaven ever since I came here; I shall let you know consequently. But, right now, the matter is more serious. This is about the few wishes that are pending, and I’ll be very happy if someone on Earth can volunteer to fulfil them. Here is the list:
1.                  Tell the girl whom I had offered a seat in the bus, that she need not be so thankful. Actually, there was chewing gum stuck on the seat. Also, thank her on my behalf for giving me a clean seat after she got down.
2.                Tell the barber who cuts my hair that the comb he is searching for is broken and he should give up all hopes of getting it back. I was when he had gone away and it broke. Just didn’t get a chance to return it. From now on only balds will visit him. Hence, he does not require it any more.
3.                Tell that biker that it was me who stole his tyres. Actually, I had to go to a water park and we were required to bring our own floats. They worked fantastic.
4.               Tell that baby that his lolly-pop, I didn’t steal his lolly-pop. I actually, really didn’t steal it.
5.                Tell my doodh wala bhaiya that I did not intentionally let his ‘bhais’ run away. Actually, I wanted to be a cow-boy, but since there are no cows, I settled with his bhais. I thought that she was going to attack me, hence I let the moose go.
6.               Tell that girl whom I dated that she eats too much. That the three words I always wanted to tell her were ‘PAY THE BILL’, but she invariably misunderstood me every single time.
7.                 Tell my uncle that I did not replace his mehendi with cow-dung. He should have been careful enough to smell it, before he applied it.
8.                Tell my neighbours, I did not rob their newspapers and magazines. I just borrowed them and because they brought another copy, did not return them.
9.               Tell that hysterical aunty, that if a character in a serial dies, she does not have to fast for his Soul’s peace. He will come alive after 3 episodes max. I know this even without watching any of those crappy things, wonder how she hasn’t figured it out.
10.           Tell them to stop thinking that everyone is bitching about them. Others have more important jobs.
11.                Tell him to smoke a little more, he always leaves only one cigarette pack unsold at the pan-walla. If he buys that as well, he will get a discount.
12.            Also tell him that it is fine to take a bath once in a while.
13.            Tell that waiter who gave me Rs. 10 the other day that I have arranged to change his fortunes. Here’s the story, I was walking on the road (alone of course). Suddenly, I was drawn to this restaurant by the appetising scent of Pav Bhaji. I went in and was surprised to find an old acquaintance also there. So, I joined him. Nice fellow that he is, he paid my bill. Then he also placed a Rs. 10 note as tip. I felt very bad, that he only should tip the waiter as well as pay the bill. So, I took the Rs. 10 note and placed a Re. 1 coin there. The waiter came to me and gave me another Rs. 10 note along with my Re. 1 coin, saying that he had a big heart. Tell him that I have arranged for a cardiologist who will dine very soon in that restaurant and as his tip, will cure the problem of his big- expanding heart. Good people deserve good things!
14.           Tell her, she was always a guinea pig for my social experiments.
15.            Tell them that the nazar suraksha kavatch did not work, and I want my money back.
16.           Tell him whenever something reads ‘click here’ you do not necessarily have to click there.
17.             I told his girlfriend that he was cheating on her. Please tell him.
18.            In my locker is a vada pav that I have forgotten to eat since a year. You can have it. I anyways won’t be having it now.
19.           Tell her that I really enjoyed annoying her.
20.         Tell my In-Laws, that I will be coming back for revenge!
21.            Tell Kamal R. Khan that he was my favourite actor.
22.          Tell him I know he stole my pen.
23.          Tell him that everyone knows what sites he visits.
24.         Tell Rakhi Sawant that I haven’t seen someone as sober as her, and that she should never changeher mannerisms.
25.          Tell him that it is bad manners to finger the nose in public.
26.         Tell him that he should be happy with his marks only if he writes his own answer paper by himself.
27.           Tell my GOSUMAG team, I’ll be getting an interview from God!
28.          I never spoke truth in my entire life. Tell it to all of them who took me seriously.
29.         Make a person seat and read all my blogs at a stretch!

When all these are done (especially the last one), you can meet me by jumping off from the college terrace, and let me know. Can’t wait to meet you. See you soon.