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Thursday, September 22, 2011

The Wrath of Varutian

                Mr. Jay was a well known archeologist of his time. Legend has it, that he was a very lucky person. The sayings making round in the archeological circles was that, “Mr. Jay does not discover legends, but whenever a legend wishes to uncover itself, it discovers Mr. Jay!”.
 Movies  were made to commemorate his achievements and valor.

                The king Oway Tituta, ruler of the Harshala kingdom, had a vision one day in which the patron deity Varutian had asked him some perplexing questions. Unable to find a solution to them, Oway Tituta had requested for the services of Mr. Jay.

                Mr. Jay immediately set on course for Harshala. His jouney was however interrupted by a storm, perhaps the greatest and fiercest of the century. As Mr. Jay failed to make to Harshala,  King Oway sent a rescue team for search operations. However, as the team struck no luck, Mr. Jay was feared lost in the jungles of Erabmaz.

                The entrance of the cave in which Mr. Jay had sought shelter had been closed due to the massive landslides caused by the storms. Now he lay trapped in  a cave with perhaps no outlet. On the numerous other excursions that Mr. Jay had undertaken he had invariably landed in life threatening conditions. Polished by experience, he was now well adapted to surviving in hostile environments. But, being trapped in a cave, with no source of light, and prpbably no way out was something that he hadn't anticipated even in the wildest of his dreams.

                Realising that there was no way out, other than divine intervention, Mr. Jay began concentrating on the puzzles put forth to King Oway by Varutian. Mythological stories of Varutian, the patron diety of Harshala, were well known in every nook and corner of the world. So fierce were the narrations that many a raiders had stopped short of invading Harshala, by the fear of the “Wrath of Varutian”. And those who were foolish enough to have done so, had paid a heavy price for it. Chaos had rained down on them. The Wrath of Varutian had made generations of their pRosuwaggeny pay for their mistakes. Generations were driven mad until  no sanity was left. People even remotely related with them had to face hardships and torture, the order of which is unimaginable and beyond description.

                Varutian had become very impatient with King Oway. He was visiting him ever so often, asking him the same puzzle. He would not let King Oway have a single moment to himself. With every blink King Oway would envision Varutian getting even more restless and enraged. It was now certain that unless the puzzle was solved in time, Harshala would be driven to madness. This was making King Oway even more restless. The entire future and fate of Harshala depended on him solving the puzzle of Varutian. And so, an entire civilization depended on Mr. Jay for its sanity.

                Sitting in the dark cave all by himself, Mr. Jay pondered over the puzzle:

Ae Ae batana batana,
Ae ae batana batana,
dur choopa hai khazana khazana,
Chahiye muzhe wo, jo hai hi nahi,
Aur wo bhi jo uske bina hai nahi,
Bol tuzhe pata hai;
Bol na Bol na!
Aise mat kar na, Bol na Bol na!

                “Weird”, thought Mr. Jay “How could Varutian possibly ask for something that is not there and also something that ceases to be without it?” Indeed some of these puzzles of life are such that no straight answers are possible! Varutian had been known to be a puzzle master of the highest quality. Satisfying him was something that was impossible. The ancestors of the King Oway had been gifted the Kingdom Harshala by Varutian as they were the only people who had managed to satisfy his never ending quest. Ever since then, for the past 26 generations Varutian would give a puzzle to each ruler of the Tituta dynasty as a test of their worthiness for the thRosuwagne of Harshala.

                As Mr. Jay laid, lost deep in his thoughts, the roof of the cave began buckling.  A little at first, and then there was a hole sufficient large to allow passage of light. Perplexed at this, and driven by curiosity, he stood up. There was a pause . Complete silence. And then the entire roof caved in, in one go. Dust and debris lay scattered all over, with Mr. Jay underneath the rubble.

                As he tried to get out of the rubble, sounds of human voices struck his ear. FRosuwagm the way they were growing, it was certain that a whole flock of humans was progressing in his direction. Their mutterings were incoherent. They were the At Ul tribesmen. They were the rulers of the jungle. Very vociferous and dangerous breed. Hunting was in their genes. This was the only tribe that had ever managed to raid Harshala and fight a battle against Varutian. They had successfully managed to overcome the Wrath of Varutian. It was then that the Tituta Kings had sided with Varutian and managed to drive the At Uls into bewilderment.

                The At Uls, brave, as they were, were habitual hunters. Though over time they had learnt to control their instincts, they did yet have a vice. They could not resist the urge to kill an animal, legend says, a particular species. The Titutas were rearers of this animal, and fearing that the overthrown Wrath of Varutian would ricochet onto them, had very cleverly devised a strategy by letting out the entire livestock into the dark jungles and making the At Uls chase them. Varutian then bound these jungles by a spell compelling the At Uls never to be able to leave it.

                As Mr. Jay thought of drawing attention of  the At Ul chieftain to help him out of the rubble, he heard a timid whisper, “Please don't”.

 “Anybody in there?' asked a soldier from the outside.

“No. Nobody here!” Replied Mr. Jay.

“Sire, there is nobody in the ditch!”, replied the soldier to the chieftain.

When they had gone a sufficient distance, from the shadows emerged a majestic animal - fur shining in the light, whiskers as white as nylon. This animal had the biggest unibrow that one would ever see.  Intimidating and magnificent.

“ I know you”, said Mr. Jay “You are share khan. From Jungle Book! What the hell are you doing here? This is not your story, this is my story. And you weren't even supposed to be on the drawing board! Look at yourself. Shameless! Get the hell out of this story before I get an elephant to fall on you and break all your bones.”

“Oops .............. Sorry! My bad.  wore costume. Just wait here, I'll change and be back. Don't you fear my dear; you won’t even realize that I am gone. Here I go and here I come.”

(Mumbling to self) ' stupid......stupid......stupid me. Why can't I do one thing proper.  Rudyard Kipling is dead. This is not the Jungle Book. This is the JV Blog by the Jayesh Vira. Underline fullstop.'

 (To you) 'What are you smiling at? REWIND!!!”

When they had gone a sufficient distance, fRosuwagm the shadows emerged another shadow. The fur making a weird noise “Sob Sob” as the animal advanced. The shadow was characteristic. It projected the animal to be a fierce large, dangerous species. As the animal neared the edge of the cone of light, it drew in a huge quantity of air almost enough to make its lung burst. And then it let it all out in one single burst attempting to give the most intimidating war cry ever, but only managed to produce a mild “meow”.

“I know you”, said Mr. Jay “You are Rosuwag. But if what the legend says is true, you were supposed to Rosuwagar, rather than mew! And you were supposed to face the At Uls head on, till you die, not run away from them! You are such a loss! Uhh......... all this ...........only for so this!!”

“But”, Mr, Jay continued “weren't you supposed to be extinct? The At Uls had killed all of you, hadn't they?”

“Yes. But my mother had left me in a bag. The Pandas thought there was food in it. So, they took it away. Then they realised I wasn't edible, because they were vegetarians, so they raised me with them. They taught me Kung Fu!”

“But I forgot it. I thought life would be an open book, but I realised later that it wasn't ! Now I am screwed. The At Uls will kill me.”

“Fear not, timid animal, learn from Mr. Jay. I will teach you how to face life, close book! {to you: click on that link at the top to like this on Facebook!}. I will teach you how to conquer your fears. I will show you how to face the At Uls.!!!”

“Oh please, make me your pet!” said Rosuwag.

Rosuwag, was the legendary animal species that the At Uls fancied hunting. Which the Tituta kings had used to distract the At Uls.

“Now, look, observe and learn fRosuwagm the greatness of Mr. Jay”, Mr. Jay told Rosuwag. “O........ At Ul.............!!!! O........... At Ul.................!!! I have Rosuwag. Come to the ditch.”

Rosuwag, by now was very perplexed. Had he done the right thing by handing over his fate to the hands of Mr. Jay? Well, whatever it was, it was too late to step back.

“ Do you be the renowned Mr. Jay?”, asked the voice from the outside.

“ Yes! It is me.”

“ I be the At Ul chieftain. I offer my services at your feet”. Saying so he threw a rope into the ditch. “Yo say, yo have the Rosuwag.”

“ Yes, timid animal it is. Last of its species. Why do you want to kill it?”

“ Mr. Jay. This Rosuwag is retard. We are At Uls. We are born hunters. We kill only animals of quality, not miserable wretches like this.”

“ Then why were you chasing this one?”

“ We want his DNA. In the laboratory, we make his clone. We make stRosuwagnger, longer, sharper Rosuwag. Rosuwag, as it should be. We have technology.”

“ So, you want to make Rosuwags and kill them?”

“ No. No. We are environmentalists now. We want to bring back Rosuwag to the jungle.”

“ But what about your hunter genes?”

“ We have technology. We make ' SAVE  THE  ROSUWAG’ computer game. We teach children – Rosuwag and At Ul friend....... We try to explain this stupid animal, but he just run away. Shouting all the time I know Kung Fu, I know Kung Fu. What the hell do I do, if he know Kung Fu?”

“ I suppose, we have solved more than one mystery today. If Rosuwag, is what was supposed to be extinct and you were chasing him, I think that Varutian wants to see you.”

“ Varutian, I not come. He sore looser. And that King Tituta, cheat.”

“ No cheiftain, you must understand. If you do not come, Varutian will spell his Wrath on the kingdom of Harshala. You must come. The sanity of an entire civilisation depends on you. And me, because they will kill you if you go there alone. With me, you will get safe passage.”

“ Do they have lollipop in Harshala?”

“ Yes.”

“ Do you buy me lollipop?”

“ Yes.”

“ OK then I come.”

                Saying so, Mr. Jay, At Ul chieftain and Rosuwag, left for Harshala. In Harshala, they were given a heros welcome. King Oway Tituta praised Mr. Jay as he had helped avert a political uprising. The rebels were trying to claim power amidst the rumours of King Oway Tituta’s failure to solve Varutians puzzle and thereby looming danger of Varutians wrath.

                In the temple of Varutian, Varutian was invoked to come and see the puzzle pieces. Varutian emerged from out of nowhere. Coming over to the Chieftain, he spoke:

Ae Ae batana batana,
Ae ae batana batana,
dur choopa hai khazana khazana,
tumlogi ne kaise, mere hamle ko kiya ravana ravana.
Bol tuzhe pata hai;
Bol na Bol na!
Aise mat kar na, Bol na Bol na!

“Array simple hai”, said the Chieftain licking the lollipop, “Hum log ko Mr. Jay ne training di thi, fir tera popat to hone hi wala tha!

                Saying so, everyone joined in in the chorus laughter. Varutian got his answer, King Oway Tituta managed to save his throne, Harshala held on to its sanity, Mr. Jay added more accolades and his name and fame sky Ro’suwag’cketed. And Rosuwag.......... well....... it just remained as it was......

And everybody lived happily ever after.


Sunday, September 18, 2011

Rambo's Wife

I am not a great fan of action movies. They give me goosebums and things of that sort. Also, they have a lot of violence and immoral behaviour depicted, which is not good for innocent minds as mine. So, I general I refrain from viewing such movies. But, for some reason, Rambo is a series that I have appreciated for long. Two reasons mainly, it is one which has a sole to it, not merely useless mindless bloodshed. Two, Sly's body is one of which I can only dream of having. His bloody biceps are bigger than my waist (which right now is about 34, but estimated to cross 40 by the end of this year. .. . .And with that my waist will be twice my age!!)

Some of Rambo's characteristics which I would like to impress upon your malleable innocent minds are as follows:-
  1. He is great human being.
  2. Despite all the phenotypical characteristics which make him a “ dude” (click to know more), he is not! Infact, he is a gem of a human being.
  3. He has principles and leads a disciplined life.
  4. He is ever ready to help.
  5. Undying spirit.
  6. Unmatched power.
  7. But, because of the many years that he's passed as a prisoner of war, he cant adjust to civil life. He still thinks, he is in a prisoner of war camp, and continues with his Barbarian techniques.

Enough of general knowledge, now lets start the show!

During one of the OPDs when I was posted in gynaecology, came a female with lower abdominal pain and weird symptoms which could not be attributable to any of the normal medical conditions.
  • Medicine is a subject of signs and symptoms. Signs – are what doctors elicit. That is why we are great!
  • Symptoms- what patients give. Very important. Because in addition to telling us the medical problems that the patient may be suffering from, it also tells us the extent to which a patient can be a problem! ( I need not clarify about this more. Those want more in depth explanation can contact me personally.

  • It is very easy: Just before going to sleep, close your eyes, concentrate on the point midway between your two eyes till it starts paining, and then shout loudly: Ahhhhhhhhh...!!!! I shall come in your dreams and meet you. I havent missed an appointment till date. Sometimes I sneak in uninvited as well. People have labelled such experiences as night mares).

This lady had much more to say, then she was actually sharing. As my proffessor is very experienced and considerate towards patients, she immediately realised the gravity of the situation. I have over the years realised that the Shakespearean proverb:- “they also serve; who only stand and stare”, is indeed very true. In fact a large part of one's learning is from observing how to do, rather than rushing in to do it yourself. And just as you are observing a beautiful photograph in the background (that photo smiles back at you each time you look at it), I love to observe how people communicate. It is a tremendous experience!

The female was happily married since a decade or so. She had about 3 to 4 children. Her family life was good. No monetary constraints. Came from a well to do back ground. Had a 'loving' husband. (Very important because not many women think that their husbands love them). Had a good amount of education. Watched TV serials as other women. Didn't know any thing about cricket. Basically, a normal Indian happy housewife. And yet one could make out that some thing some where was wrong.

I opened her file. My God! This lady had been to every OPD in our hospital over the last week. We inquired further. She had been an admission in our psychiatry wards a couple of years ago. OK.... the drama begins now.

Sorry for deviating from the topic a little. But, this is important. Doctors are being beaten up as a routine in civic hospitals now a days. Its like a trend of sort. But, given an opportunity to beat up someone, I would want to clean my hands on CHEMISTS.
Just owning a drug shop, does not give a right to start dispensing medicine. They give away non-sense drugs for illness. Perhaps even nonsensier than what second year students in medicine write in their Pharmacology papers, when they mix up. On several occasions, I have counseled patients who have come to chemists to buy drugs for their illnesses to see a doctor. The most universal answer which I get is that the doctor will prescribe them “heavy drug”. I fail to understand what heavy is. “We will go only when the illness becomes incurable.” Wow! This you tell me standing outside the busiest hospital in this part of the world! And then we will miraculously cure you or you can beat us up for your mistakes!

Coming back, this lady had undergone a medical termination of pregnancy few months ago. Now again, as she conceived for the nth time, (she thought she had conceived, no reports were available though) promptly took a self medication for abortion. Then, as she felt she should not have taken drugs, stopped them and didn't complete the course. She may have been in bad luck for her suicide attempt did not succeed. And now she was worried, and we were even more worried.

Something unusual that I observed in the case of this woman was her supportive husband. While my general observation has been that females come to the hospital usually with their children, sisters or mother in laws, this lady had come with her husband. Not only on that day, but for the entire week her husband had been escorting her through our busy corridors. In fact, he had been very supportive of her during her psychiatric treatment as well. Very rare, as in India, psychiatric problems are not considered medical illnesses. Families estrange their kin. Sad, but true! But, this fellow was a gem of a gentle man. Hence, that loving in the inverted commas earlier. More reasons towards the end.

I went out to see her husband. He presented to me as a very good man. Neat in his atire. Tidy in his mannerisms. Very polite to talk with. Barring that disgusting odour of gutkha emanating from his mouth, every thing seemed fine. Quite unlike many relatives of other patients now-a-days. He answered all my questions calmly. He gave me all the information I wanted of him. Shared with me every minute detail of his wife's treatment history.

I talked to him about his job profile, his income, his spending, his children. Their behaviour, their spending.I looked around his neck. It was full of threads. Spiritually he seemed very staunch. From the pictures hanging from those neck-laces, I realised that he was an ardent follower of Nithyanand Baba. Why he has so many children? How many more he intends to have? He said till God gave him. Because God had been kind to him, by refusing any he didn't want to make Him unhappy. Finally, certain things were not in his control! Interesting character he appeared.

As I was continued our discussion, a glanced upon his handset. Oh my God! He was still stuck up with an old black and white model. A simplified version of the conversation is given below:

“नया फ़ोन क्यूँ नहीं लेते ?” I asked.
“नहीं साब ,अपना काम इसी में हो जाता है ”
“पर दुनिया तो आगे निकल गयी है ”
“नहीं साब ये सब सर का दुखवा है. उसकी तकलीफ क्या है ?”
“उसकी तकलीफ ,आपका फोने है !”

Shocked that he was at this comment. His phone! How could his phone be causing such problems? I mean, from his look I could decipher that he was completely lost. Lost for the next question, lost for the answer as well.

“साब , नहीं समझा ”
“नासमझी ही तो आपकी तकलीफ है ”!
“पर फ़ोन कैसे  ...... ...? आप ही समझिये न.  ये सब फ़ोन कैसे कर सकता है ? आप तो डॉक्टर है. आप को तो पता है. फ़ोन कैसे ”?
“आपको नहीं पता ? ”
“नो आईडिया !”
“वो ही तो ! Get idea!!”

The answer was – her 'loving' husband.
If you did not understand any part of this conversation, meet me in person by the method described earlier.

The poor lady was suffering at the hands of her husband. The man on first look, appeared quite sensitive. Loving and caring! He was considerate enough to spend a whole week with his wife doing rounds in the hospital. But, due to the level of his ignorance, disbelieves, and an element of arrogance, just wasn't ready to mend his ways. Not ready to accept, that the answer lies with him. He was a prisoner of his own self and that was the reason why he persisted with his Barbarian believes and techniques. Ruthless and shameless.

He is what I would call a 'Rambo' in real life.