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Sunday, May 22, 2011

MY INLAWS












Well, the beauty of life is that it is unpredictable. For example, if it isn’t a routine, then the object against which you will bang your head after reading this post, you can’t predict it right now, it will probably be the first thing that you can lay your hands on! And this is the only reason that makes me want to be alive! (The unpredictability part, not your head banging!)
       That I despise Sundays is a well known fact. Precisely for two reasons, I have nothing to do, no college to attend, and it’s a very lazy day. I’ve been trying to update a website, and thanks to the laziness of my companions, it just doesn’t happen. What I thought would be a one day affair, has been going on for over a month now!
       But, just as someone said it, ALL THAT HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR THE GOOD. If people would not have delayed their jobs, I would not have been able to meet my IN-LAWS.
It so happened (and at the time of posting too the process is not yet over), that I wanted people to email me their photos to be uploaded onto the website. Now the emails, of the few who claimed to have cooperated, never seemed to have reached my inbox. I would corner them daily and demand for their photos (yuck!).  Kya karein, ganda hai, par dhanda hai. And they would say they have sent it. Strange! Had they posted it, I could still buy the fact that the postman may have delivered them to someone else, but with email, and that too Gmail. Strange!
And this is where the mystery solved! Gmail, I must say has the best spam filtering. So, all those mails which had their subjects as “MY PHOTOS”, were diverted to spam. Spam- it is something I would never click on. For there were fears in my mind over articles which said that malicious mails when clicked rob your passwords, control your systems, etc., etc. But, it was duty calling, and I clicked. Kya karein, ganda hai, par dhanda hai.
The world of spam, shhooook my ground, the chair on which I was seated, broke. There were a thousand mails I had never viewed. Mails about people inviting me to VIEW THEIR PHOTOS, wining lotteries, being the only living relative traceable of some Negro who had died in Tanzania, about someone who wanted my help as he was new to this country and would take me on a tour with him over the entire country all expenses paid; how I wished he was new to the world, he would have taken on a world trip, all expenses paid , free laptops, I-pads and watches, and advertisements of some products which I cannot mention on a family blog!
Sometimes, in life, we make some decisions. They are sometimes the only obvious option available, whether we like them or not and sometimes, they are what we think to be the best of the options. Whatever the cause may be, we have to make a decision. And then it is binding. There is no U-turn so to say, and we have to be prepared to face the consequences. I tried the hardest to keep myself away from clicking on those temptations, but finally clicked on one. It said, “Mr. Jayesh, I like your profile, I want you to meet my daughter Tina”.
How the hell I fell for that one, I still don’t know. Such is the power of boredom; it makes you do things you would usually not do! Well it can make people commit suicide, I only clicked on a link, it can’t be that bad. Or also maybe, because around February a handwriting analyst had told me that love was in the air for me, and with monsoons approaching, I thought that love was settling. I am a very innocent person and I accept what people tell me.
Tina, Hmmmmm, the name sounds good. Fashion Model, should be pretty. Jackpot!!!! So I clicked. For once I thought what if this thing steals my password, and sends nasty mail to people. But then I thought, ‘itna to badnaam hu, aur kitna ho sakta hu!!!’ All successful people are those who take risks in life. And this seems to be comparatively low-risk. I clicked on the link, and with the good God’s grace, Tina’s father happened to be online. The times were changing I thought. Gone will be the days of loitering alone on Marine Drives (for my friend who’s going to write heinous comments at the end of this one, Marine Lines and Marine Drives both exist in Mumbai), I will also now have company to enjoy the breeze and the setting sun.
Tina’s dad seemed to be a good man. Poor fellow was a retired customs officer with a lot of property in Bihar. He also fixed up my meeting with Tina for the evening. J I always wanted to go on a date since, seventh standard, and today my wish was getting fulfilled after 8 years finally.
At last, a Sunday evening will be well spent. Even if it doesn’t get anywhere, it should surely be a good time. Its Sunday anyways. So I dressed in the bestest attire that I possessed, applied perfume and left for the date. Date- reminds of that moment in Standard seven, when I knew it meant more than dd-mm-yyyy. Ever since that day I’ve been looking out for more words with multiple meanings. And to my own surprise everything can be interpreted in as many numbers of ways as are functional human brains on this globe!
So I reached the destined place. It was quite shoddy. The ally was uninhibited. There was a garbage bin lying outside. Already I had to walk up till there, as all taxis and rickshaws had refused to ply. NO PAINS, NO GAINS I thought. I opened the door. It opened with a squeak, like in one of those horror films. The place however was well occupied. There was so much smoke that my vision was blurred, also the effect of the lights wasn’t pleasant. Even the music that was playing wasn’t of great taste either. How will the food taste? This is surely a bad place for a meeting. But, since it is a Sunday, Tina would not have found reservations in other restaurants and hence maybe would have booked this one! As I came out of my thoughts, I realized that everyone there was staring at me as if they were awaiting me! Wow, this perfume is really good. It is really a head turner as they claim in the advertisement. I couldn’t wait to find what Tina’s reaction would be. Will she also behave as they show in the advert of “GET WET” and “BECOME 18- for nerds”. This is too good to be true, especially on a Sunday. I pinched myself. It hurt. It was, thus real.
As I moved to table number 420, more heads turned my way. Many people drew each others’ attention towards me by their visual movements. Some even smiled to me. I sat on table 420, and waited my bride to be and her father. From the darkness appeared a figure, a man about 30. Tall, dark, darker moustache, husky voice, well built. “Mr. Jayesh”, he said as he firmly pressed on my shoulder. “Have you come to meet Tina?”
“yes”, I replied “ You should be her brother”. By then about a double similar mushtandas had surrounded me. “What was her father doing?”I thought.
No. I am her father” he replied. And they all broke out into chorus laughter.
“Well, you surely have maintained yourself well, considering that Tina is 24.” Agar ye aisa hai, to Tina kitni well maintanined hogi.
And they all laughed in a chorus again. It must be some sort of a family tradition to laugh together. So even I joined them. They were so delighted to find me join in, that they laughed louder. I too joined them, louder. This ceremony continued for some while, and towards the end the entire restaurant was laughing in a chorus. Wow, these guys are so warm.
“Tina nahi aayi, abhi tak?”
Aa rahi hai. Taiyar hone me thodi der lagati hai. Model hai na”. And they all laughed again.
Ye ghadi to dikhana”. I handed over him my watch. “Dekh to kitne ki hogi
“25000 ki hai” I answered. They all laughed again.
Aapka card ya photo milega?
“Ji card to nahi hai. Ha photo hai wallet me.”
accha, wallet dikhana”. I handed over my wallet. They laughed again.
“ Ji Tina kab tak aayegi?” I asked again. “Patience”, he replied.
Array, you have worn a brown shirt. Tina is coming in a red dress. Don’t worry. I have an extra red shirt, should fit you. Take this shirt off.” A took it off and handed it over, as he directed one of his aides, I suppose, to get the red shirt. He left with my shirt and they laughed again.
“Who are all these?”, I asked Tina’s father.
These, they are all Tina’s fathers”. And they all laughed again.  Funny!
“No, I mean seriously!”
What do you think, we are joking. Now, if you may leave.
“But, what about Tina?”
I just got her message. She won’t be able to make it today. She has got an appointment. Now you may leave
“May I have my wallet back?”
No. It has your photo. Tina said she wants to see your photo.
“OK. But, what about my shirt?”
We’ll keep it. We’ll buy her matching clothes. We’ll give it back to you next Sunday.
“OK. But, how will I go home like this?”
Haven’t you seen Salman Khan? He also roams shirtless. And everyone likes him. You also look good.
“OK can I at least have some money to go home?”
How did you come here? Walking!! Does that cost anything? So, what do you want money for?
“Oh yes! Right. Bye. It was nice meeting you. So, next Sunday then.”
Yeah, every Sunday.” He said. And they all laughed again.
As I walked, I realised that he had not cleared the air about all of them being Tina’s fathers. I thought of turning back and asking them. Just then I realised, that he had seen my profile and approached me. My pic was there. Why did he want another pic for. And he also hadn’t returned my watch.
O my God! I had been duped!! All this happened because my colleagues hadn’t used their sense and wisdom to write an appropriate subject to their mails.
MORAL:  NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS ON A SUNDAY!!