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Friday, December 24, 2010

100 THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE

1. Read my blog.
2. Bang the door in the face of a stranger.
3. Invite someone to lunch and do not turn up.
4. Pass derogatory comments on someone’s appearance.
5. Criticise a co-worker’s hard worked project.
6. Bring Gutkha to work.
7. Intentionally block someone’s road in rush hour traffic.
8. Pick up the tip of a waiter/waitress.
9. Tell a cashier “You’ll be robbed today”.
10. Call your ex’s present.
11. Enforce on someone that they *miss you *.
12. Ask someone to pay for your movie
13. Let someone know how deeply you hate them
14. Tease someone at a mental asylim.
15. Leave a child in a zoo cage with a lion anf hippopotamus.
16. Deflate your spouse’s car tyres.
17. Irritate someone with a false gift
18. Dirty the floor just after the cleaning staff has finished its work
19. Demand a share in property of a distant relative
20. Tell someone you were abusing them the other day
21. Hit a child with a ball
22. Rob your neighbour’s cake
23. Send allergens to someone where they work
24. Spill tea over a friend
25. Tear a good book you borrowed from someone
26. Rob others clothes while they dry
27. Intentionally push an elderly person on road
28. Shoplift other’s groceries a the cash counter
29. Drink “blood”
30. Disturb your friends baby when he/she/it is busy sleeeping.
31. Dump your kachra in your neighbour’s veranda.
32. Tell someone to get up saying the seat is reserved for you.
33. Look teasingly at someone carrying a heavy load.
34. Ask to see a stores manager and ill treat him.
35. Skip a que in grocery stores
36. Hug a good looking girl on the road for no reason.
37. Hold your doctor responsible for your ailments.
38. Bitch about someone else continuously.
39. Leave an inflammatory comment on someone’s answering machine.
40. Destroy someone’s aspirations.
41. Rob a child off his lolypop.
42. Forge a loan.
43. rob paper from a copier machine.
44. Tell someone that they are the most untrustworthy persons on earth.
45. Rob an umbrella on a rainy day.
46. Destroy your neighbour’s flower or plant.
47. Burgle into your friends home while they are away.
48. Treat others as if they are your slaves.
49. Cheat a child in a board game.
50. Tell an elderly person to stop moaning about his good old days
51. Dessert your family in bad weather and bad times.
52. Break someone’s fishpot.
53. Spit out someone’s food.
54. Rudely criticise someone who is depressed.
55. Tell someone you cursed them.
56. Tear other families’ children’s clothes.
57. Infest the entire neighbourhood’s vegetables.
58. Call your spouse to say you love your secretary.
59. Act as an attention seeker.
60. Hit someone with pebbles.
61. Ask someone about *his * wife and *your children *.
62. Neglect someone’s birthday.
63. Spit on the car next to yours.
64. Tell someone how you have better qualities than them.
65. Leave your shopping cart on the street.
66. Term someone’s dream as hypothetical.
67. Add your bill to someone else’s without them knowing it.
68. Leave a love letter addressed to someone else where your partner will find it.
69. Back answer an older person for advising you.
70. Keep someone’s pet hungry while they are away.
71. Tell your child how disgusted you feel about him.
72. Avoid a sick person.
73. Watch all episodes of big brother, Raakhi ka swayamvar, Raaakhi ka insaaf.
74. Leave a piece of chewed chewing gum on your co-workers seat.
75. Skip your child’s performance.
76. Break someone’s ipod.
77. Call a random number and start abusing.
78. Take something away from others home as gifts.
79. Write a poem for someone.
80. Make prank calls to your local police and fire department.
81. Litter your neighbourhood.
82. Destroy a child’s birdhouse.
83. Check in on an old person and ask when they’re gonna *die *.
84. Tell someone to give up cooking after they host you.
85. Bully a new employee at work.
86. While in a car push other’s heads out.
87. Take the bigger piece of cake first.
88. Stop and take a drink from a kids lemonade stand and donot pay him.
89. Never apologise for your mistake.
90. Project a middle finger to someone when they’re looking for a parking space.
91. send a copy of an old photograph to a wrong friend.
92. Hit a bowlful of icecream on your spouse’s face.
93. Put your work on others’ shoulders.
94. Act jealous of others when they tell you a good news.
95. Tell your co-worker the project would have been more successful
had you been involved not him.
96. Hit your spouse at the end of the day.
97. Always have breakfast in bed.
98. Tell someone they’ve gained weight.
99. Ridicule a charity show.
100. Tell your friend to read my blog.

Funny Jokes – Part 1

Funny Jokes – Part 1

Monday, December 20, 2010

Secrets of a PJ - Finally Revealed

For most of you who know me, will be aware of my favourite hobby, PJ ing. Many of you must be wondering what is it that gives me the strength to continue day in and day out, relentlessly every single minute? Well as I have been the uncrowned king of PJs for the past 3 years in a row, I feel that it is my duty to enlighten the masses about this talent.

So, what are the basic requirements to be a PJ ist?

First, you need to be very observant. Yes, you need to be very keen in your observations. Especially, you need to have a very sharp sense of hearing. You must be able to catch hold of any word spoken by a colleague and remember it for a long time.

Second, you need to have a “wild” imagination. You should be able to dream and build up hypothetical scenarios and fit in events from your daily life into them. The more bizarre your imagination can get, the more is the probability of your success. For example, if someone asks you, “hey, what’s up?”. You should be able to answer, “tube light, fans or ceiling”. That’s for the beginners. More experienced personnel can respond by talking about atoms and molecules of oxygen, nitrogen, CO2, SO2, about microbes and viruses, etc.

Third, you need to have courage. Courage is very important to master this art. Since, very few people are well versed with this art, and it is a difficult one, you must be able to deal with any comments that are flung at you by the critics. You must not be afraid to take a pick at your closest friend or sometimes even at yourself for the sake of the art.

Fourth, you need to be comfortable. It is just like a coy actress appearing for the first time in short skirts in a bollywood movie. If she is not comfortable in it, the audience will not enjoy it. You too need forego all your inhibitions.

Fifth, you need to be very determined. Everyone is not successful at the first attempt. Do not lose heart, persuade yourself to continue and success will be yours.

Sixth and seventh are very closely related, dedication and devotion to your work. You must be looking forth to cracking a PJ every single moment, walking, talking, sleeping, bathing……. you must not hold yourself back and speak out whenever something sparks, be it in a lecture, in a meeting, with your beloved, or just anywhere.

Ninth, confidence. You need to be confident about what you speak. It is this confidence which will save you from any possible assault.

Tenth, respect. You must have respect for fellow proponents of the art.

Eleventh, you must have the capacity to talk incessantly for long duration of time, even hours at end if the situation demands.

Twelfth, and most important, you must be a joyful person. You must be able to find out the humour hidden in even the weirdest of the situations and put it forth irrespective of your mood and feelings.

And, lastly (thirteenth), you need to develop your own style which should be different from anyone else. You must be very expressive. You should master the art of facial expressions and body movements to add some spice to your argument. Besides, you need to have a lot of reading. You must have a good vocabulary to stun people with your choice of words. You must be able to coin new words.

These, were but a few major requirements to be good PJ master. Ultimately, the call has to come from within. It is just like taking a horse to the water. I’ve done that. Now, you have to drink the water. These are just the basic rules for successful PJ ing. Individual variations are possible. Any knowledge is useless unless put to practice. So, start immediately and remember that, “Practice makes a man Perfect”.

By the way, point eight missing. You looked up and smiled. Yes, you have it in you. Don’t hold back. Let your talent blossom. For further guidance feel free to contact me. P.S. - this document is protected by copyright laws.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

16 POINTS THAT WILL HELP YOU DISTINGUISH BETWEEN A NORMAL GUY AND A "DUDE".

16 POINTS THAT WILL HELP YOU DISTINGUISH BETWEEN A NORMAL GUY AND A "DUDE".

“Yo Dude, what's up?”, just happens to be the most commonly uttered statement of the urban lingo. Everyone is a "DUDE", now a days.

I was taken aback, when someone I happened to meet after a long span of time addressed me as a “ Dude” . I, at first thought that perhaps he had mistaken me for someone else,but no, he recollected my name just fine.

This sent me into sort of a thought spiral as to how I had unconsciously transformed into a “Dude'. I spent many a days gauging at my reflexion in front of the mirror. I started going through my recent photos, comparing them to my erstwhile ones, when I wasn't a "DUDE". But, to no avail. It then occurred to me that my dear friend may also have been addressed by someone as a "DUDE", and in all his wisdom taken it to be a respectful complement, and in his effort to bowl me over with his vocabulary prowess may have rattled it out. The day is not far, when guys will start addressing their wives and girlfriends as “Dudes”, and perhaps then they may be forced to find out what it means.

In the mean time, those who want to play safe and not run into trouble, may follow these basic guidelines.

1. A “Dude” is specifically a guy, as per the current classification.

2. His age can range from 14 years onwards to as long as he lives.

3. A normal person prefers speaking in Hindi, Marathi, or his local tongue. A “Dude” behaves as if these are alien to him.

4. A “Dude” speaks English. He has an accent, which is easily recognized to be fake, and which renders him incognito. Whenever a normal guy speaks English he is clear and understandable.

5. A “Dude's” chest and upper arm are his greatest dimensions. A normal guy's waist is usually his greatest dimension.

6. A normal guy dyes his white hair black, while a "DUDE" dyes his black hair white.

7. When with his beloved, a normal guy would look at her. A “Dude” on the other hand is busy trying to get her to look at his biceps and pectorals.

8. A normal guy usually does not spend much on his love. A “Dude” takes a loan for his 'love'.

9. A normal guy's shoulder is usually big enough for his girl to cry on. A “Dude's” shoulder is usually small enough for the girl's entire clan to cry on.

10. A normal guy learns from his mistakes. He only thinks of being with that cute girl. A “Dude” is with a new cute girl every fortnight. Only a “Dude” is dumb enough to commit the same mistake so often.

11. A normal guy's diet is rich in fats. A “Dude's” diet is rich in steroids.

12.Most of a normal guy's nutrition is channeled to his brain. Most of a “Dude's” nutrition in channeled to useless chunks of flesh.

13. A normal guy has more gray matter and less red muscles. A “Dude” has only red muscles, and no gray matter.

14. Most of a normal guy's gray matter is situated between his ears. While, that of a “Dude” is in the knee joint.

15. A normal guy says “TIBIA and FIBULA”, while a “Dude” says,'TIBULA' or 'FIBIA'.

16. The dictum, once a "DUDE" always a "DUDE", is not true.

There have been rare instances of reversion back to normalcy.

“So "DUDE", I think I have made myself clear !”