THE INNER VOICE

HELLO friends, rejoice, I am back. Today's topic of discussion is as usual very spiritual, 'THE INNER VOICE'. For centuries, philosophers and thinkers have wasted their hairs on answering this inner voice. This is the one who has no other occupation but to keep on raising questions. Scholars say, that if not for the inner voice the world would not have progressed. I say, if not for the inner voice the world be a very boring place. If it tells you to close this window right now, you will. If it decides that you should read further, you will.

The con master that I am, I have time and again proposed quite a few theories towards the origin of this inner voice (as some of you know that I am about a zillion years old. In short I am IMMORTAL), to fool the mortals:

The stone age theory: There are stones in your head, and as you use your head they rub against each other and make noise. This holds true for many people today as well, just that now a days most of these noises are externalised rather than keeping them internalised.

The water age theory: Each time you think, there is a tsunami in your head, and that is what makes the noise.

The fire age theory: Every time you use your head, some of the sawdust inside catches fire, which causes the noise.

The animal-husbandry age theory: Every time you use your head, its the whip on the ass, that makes the noise.

The poultry-farm age theory: The eggs inside are hatching.

The wheel age theory: There is a donkey cart in your head. Each time you use your head, the cart moves and the donkey makes the noise.(Thus, the MENTOS advert is so true). This theory too, holds true in many cases today.-)

The agriculture age theory: Every time you use your head, its contents get husked and that makes the noise.

The metal age theory: The empty vessels are banging against each other, and making the noise.

The ice age theory: Well, the glaciers are sliding.

The vedic age theory: This is the time when I had so much competition. Never had so many a thinkers been alive at the same time!!! Hush!!! In your attempt to silence the inner voice, you've gaged it, and it is its agonising calls for help that is making this disturbing noise.

The Kamasutra age theory: Ahem!! Ahemm!! (EVEN CHILDREN READ THIS BLOG). (Again so true even today).

The dark age theory: There is a devil in your head, and he is making the noises.( Once again, so true even today)

The blind-faith age theory: These are the chantings in your head.

The rational age theorey: Stop rationalising, and they will stop.

The printing age theory: Its the sound of the press, your thoughts are being printed.

The industrial age theory: The machine is jammed for you haven't used it since long.

The hippie age theory: The 'POT' IN YOUR HEAD IS 'CRACK' ING!!

The physics age theory:

Each time you use your head this equation is altered, and it produces the noise particle, which we haven't found yet, but after spending the entire world's fortunes and risking the very existence of the entire universe and building giant reactors in some destitute place for some no good experiment, we will prove that it exists. Till then, just mug up.!!

The outer space age theory: Aliens have taken over your head and are making the noise.

The World War age theory: Its the bombs that are exploding.

The entertainment age theory: The popcorn is ready.

The indigestion age theory: Its just gas.

The CLINICAL RESEARCH age theory: We propose that some non-sense mutations have occurred in your genome, and that has lead to some altered chemical imbalances in your head, and the “Thi*nk” receptor is hyperactive, similar to our findings in cockroaches,and gorillas. Take these EXPERI-MENTAL DRUGS and we'll see what happens.

The modern age theory: You guys are just too smart!! Its not going to be easy for me to fool you. So, I'll not waste any time. I think that with the world scheduled to end next year and with the 'RIGHT TO INFORMATION' being enforced, I should reveal the secret.

Think that this fellow has gone crazy, well that I surely am, but even as you read this crazIER article, who is it that is reading it out to you? Now wondering whose voice is it that is speaking to you right now? It definitely doesn't sound yours! Whose is that golden voice, with whom you converse for hours on ends? Who is it who know all your dark secrets. Read till the end and you'll get the answer.

When was it the last time, that you had the courage to go against it? When was it that, you doubted its very existence? Has it ever occurred to you that it may be wrong?

Yet, you have always believed and continue to do so, that what it says is always for your good. But, do you understand, that it means good for everyone and you are not a lucky exception. Though it always gives you options, then leaves it for you to make the decision, it is it that ultimately makes all those decisions. It is it that raises those doubts, and solves them as well. Have you ever actually lived your own life? NO. It is the voice that is guiding your life. It is the master, and you are the puppet. So powerful is the voice and its control on your psyche, that if it tells you to jump from the terrace, you will. If it tells you to keep quite, you will. If it tells you to kill someone, you will. If it tells you to close this window right now, you will.

This is the one who has been there since you were born, told you when to cry if you feel hungry, or dirty your nappie. It is the one who decides what you like, and when you should laugh. It is one who decides, how loose your character will be. It will tell you that you are supposed to be jealous at your friend's success and rejoice your competitor's defeat. It will make you bitch about people and poke your nose where it doesn't belong!! Though you may feel that you should not do these things, you end up doing them, because IT SAID SO.

It is the voice, that the deaf can hear, and the dumb can speak. It knows all languages. All secret codes. It even has commands on the HIV and the amoebae. It is omnipresent.

Wondering how I know so much about this voice? Or, are you wondering what is my inner voice like,that it tells me to publish such things. Why are you smiling and liking this non-sense? How do I know this? Well the answer is simple:

I am your best friend. Even though you may not have met me, you have seen me (that's why I've kept the background as it appears). You have known me and I have known you and we share the inner voice.

But, then do I have an inner voice? No, because:

I AM THE INNER VOICE. LIKE IT OR NOT, BUT ITS TRUE. AND THAT COMPREHENSIVELY EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.

Oh, don't just laugh it away.

But, right now you are not ready to accept it. That's because, I don't want you to accept it. It is a secret that I've kept since the beginning of time and I wont give it away, just like that. Thus, no matter however hard you try to accept it, you will not, because I DO NOT WANT YOU TO;>)

Thus, we can add one more to The long list of those 'OPEN SECRETS'. ITS KNOWN TO ALL, BUT STILL ITS A SECRET because, you wont believe it and I won't let you to!!

So, no matter how-so-ever you feel right now, I know it, because I want you to feel that way. That's the way I want you to be. Now, if I feel you have a good sense of humour, I will make you comment below, and if I want you to be a depressed little creature, I wont let you comment below.

Its not your choice, its mine!

WHEN I UNDERTOOK A PAST LIFE REGRESSION!

I am one of those people who is constantly influenced by trends in society, a little slow to understand stuff and one who always messes up in life, big time. I watch only those movies which come with sub-titles. I hardly apply my own knowledge and utilize my own understanding. I feel using my common sense will deplete it. I do what everyone else does – blind folded. It is easier to follow in the footsteps of others than trying to be a yourself. You mix in well with you know, and don't take up fights and animosities and always end up with bad company. Everyone loves you and you love everyone back and love spreads and overwhelms my life at times.




My mom always maintained that I should restrict myself to singing on television and not at home or in temples or public places to keep myself safe from being mobbed down by fans. So, I participated in Indian Idol. There were so many souls there who thought that they were great singers. Well if just learning one song would make someone a good singer, I can sing all songs new or old, classical or western with equal finesse and expertise, that too without any training. But they did not even let in me audition. Such injustice. When I argued for my right to participation, they said,” You sing so well, that the judges will get a bout of depression and music labels will have to shut down as people may stop listening to music all together.”


But I did not lose hope. I took this rejection in my stride. I then went to audition for “ the Great Indian Laughter Challenge”. There too the same problem. They did not let me audition saying that the quality of my jokes was way too advanced for the public to understand it, appreciate it and be able to laugh.


OK. Fine. So next went, for “ Dance India Dance”. Baby bad luck followed me there as well. My partner was a bit heavy, and I could not catch her when she jumped in the air. ( I felt intimidated). she fell off the stage. I was disqualified. Her mother stared threatening to sue me. And I was fined for the table that broke.


Then I recollected, that I had read some where that social service helps to bye bye baby bad luck. So I went to an asylum. I met an acquaintance there. He looked at me and smiled happily. How happy he was to see me there!!! Even before I would tell him the reason for my arrival, he muttered, “Now you've come where you belong”. He sent two peons to usher me. For the first time in my life I felt that I belonged somewhere. This is where I wanted to be. But again, I was kicked out. I protested. But they said that my influence was too much for them to handle.


This is not right. I am a specially talented personality. At every stage of life I've had set backs only because I am more talented than others. Ye kaha ka insaaf hai?


Then I decided to go for 'Sach ka Samna'. He asked me the first question – Have you ever been kicked out? I said “ Yes.”


Q. 2 Have you ever put on your shirt buttons. - No.


Q. 3 Does your mother still spoon feed you. - Yes.


Q. 4 Do people run away from you.- Yes.


Q. 5 Do you have an ambition in life. - No.


Q. 6 Have you ever spoken intelligent. - No.


Q. 7 Do you bed wet. - Yes.


Q. 8 Are you ever of any help. - No.


Q. 9 Is Ram Gopal Varma ki Aag your favourite movie. - Yes.


The next question was to give me Rs. 10 lakh. This amount could not be taken away from me. He offered me to quit. But I have never been afraid of telling truth in my life. I decided to continue.


Q. 10 Do you forget to wear your pants when you go out. - No.


But be said that it was a wrong answer. I had once again come so close to winning and lost it. Now, I realise, perhaps this is the reason why people giggle when I pass by.


My instant fame got me a fan though. This girl contacted me. She said she had always dreamt of a loyal and true person like me all her life. We met. I fell for her. Her hair was blonde and she was very intelligent. “Jackpot !”, I exclaimed. We had a quite a private time on the wada-pav thela. I liked way she was fighting for a 25 paise coin. Such a courageous girl. We were outside an electronics store, where she pointed to an oven and said it was the latest TV. Such a sense of humor. When we were on our way back, I told her that I liked her blonde hair. But that her teeth were more blonde than her hair. She walked off and never came back. Shattered!!


That's when I saw a new TV show on past life regression. I applied. I wanted to know what I had done, that I was suffering such set backs.


I reached the set. The lady told me to relax. She said she would hypnotize me. I soon lost all touch with reality. Now she was controlling me.


I wandered over endless desserts, and seas and mountains and clouds.


Until I reached some trance. I was visualizing my past lives.






Life 1: I was a tortoise. I sang songs in the pond. Pond had dried. Birdie offered help. Took me by a twig. Midway in air requested a song. I sang. Crashed.


Life 2: I was a joker in a King's court. Pulled the king's mustache and kissed his daughter. Nailed.


Life 3: I was a damsel in distress. Knight came to my rescue. Master attacked him. I wore a short skirt. Knight distracted. Knight died.


Life 4: I was scientist. Wanted to prove law of gravity and air resistance. Jumped along with apple and feather from a tower. Proved the law, but didn't live to tell to others.


Life 5: I was a hunk. Hottie asked me if I knew a man who would rub suntan. Directed her to the beach cafe.


Life 6: I was a blonde. Doomed.


Things now got crystal clear to me. I had to break the jinx. I decided to get realistic. I decided that I should study and become intelligent and smart and make “wise decisions”. Got good marks in 10th. Chose science. Studied hard in 12th.






Current life: Doctor.

100 THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE

1. Read my blog.
2. Bang the door in the face of a stranger.
3. Invite someone to lunch and do not turn up.
4. Pass derogatory comments on someone’s appearance.
5. Criticise a co-worker’s hard worked project.
6. Bring Gutkha to work.
7. Intentionally block someone’s road in rush hour traffic.
8. Pick up the tip of a waiter/waitress.
9. Tell a cashier “You’ll be robbed today”.
10. Call your ex’s present.
11. Enforce on someone that they *miss you *.
12. Ask someone to pay for your movie
13. Let someone know how deeply you hate them
14. Tease someone at a mental asylim.
15. Leave a child in a zoo cage with a lion anf hippopotamus.
16. Deflate your spouse’s car tyres.
17. Irritate someone with a false gift
18. Dirty the floor just after the cleaning staff has finished its work
19. Demand a share in property of a distant relative
20. Tell someone you were abusing them the other day
21. Hit a child with a ball
22. Rob your neighbour’s cake
23. Send allergens to someone where they work
24. Spill tea over a friend
25. Tear a good book you borrowed from someone
26. Rob others clothes while they dry
27. Intentionally push an elderly person on road
28. Shoplift other’s groceries a the cash counter
29. Drink “blood”
30. Disturb your friends baby when he/she/it is busy sleeeping.
31. Dump your kachra in your neighbour’s veranda.
32. Tell someone to get up saying the seat is reserved for you.
33. Look teasingly at someone carrying a heavy load.
34. Ask to see a stores manager and ill treat him.
35. Skip a que in grocery stores
36. Hug a good looking girl on the road for no reason.
37. Hold your doctor responsible for your ailments.
38. Bitch about someone else continuously.
39. Leave an inflammatory comment on someone’s answering machine.
40. Destroy someone’s aspirations.
41. Rob a child off his lolypop.
42. Forge a loan.
43. rob paper from a copier machine.
44. Tell someone that they are the most untrustworthy persons on earth.
45. Rob an umbrella on a rainy day.
46. Destroy your neighbour’s flower or plant.
47. Burgle into your friends home while they are away.
48. Treat others as if they are your slaves.
49. Cheat a child in a board game.
50. Tell an elderly person to stop moaning about his good old days
51. Dessert your family in bad weather and bad times.
52. Break someone’s fishpot.
53. Spit out someone’s food.
54. Rudely criticise someone who is depressed.
55. Tell someone you cursed them.
56. Tear other families’ children’s clothes.
57. Infest the entire neighbourhood’s vegetables.
58. Call your spouse to say you love your secretary.
59. Act as an attention seeker.
60. Hit someone with pebbles.
61. Ask someone about *his * wife and *your children *.
62. Neglect someone’s birthday.
63. Spit on the car next to yours.
64. Tell someone how you have better qualities than them.
65. Leave your shopping cart on the street.
66. Term someone’s dream as hypothetical.
67. Add your bill to someone else’s without them knowing it.
68. Leave a love letter addressed to someone else where your partner will find it.
69. Back answer an older person for advising you.
70. Keep someone’s pet hungry while they are away.
71. Tell your child how disgusted you feel about him.
72. Avoid a sick person.
73. Watch all episodes of big brother, Raakhi ka swayamvar, Raaakhi ka insaaf.
74. Leave a piece of chewed chewing gum on your co-workers seat.
75. Skip your child’s performance.
76. Break someone’s ipod.
77. Call a random number and start abusing.
78. Take something away from others home as gifts.
79. Write a poem for someone.
80. Make prank calls to your local police and fire department.
81. Litter your neighbourhood.
82. Destroy a child’s birdhouse.
83. Check in on an old person and ask when they’re gonna *die *.
84. Tell someone to give up cooking after they host you.
85. Bully a new employee at work.
86. While in a car push other’s heads out.
87. Take the bigger piece of cake first.
88. Stop and take a drink from a kids lemonade stand and donot pay him.
89. Never apologise for your mistake.
90. Project a middle finger to someone when they’re looking for a parking space.
91. send a copy of an old photograph to a wrong friend.
92. Hit a bowlful of icecream on your spouse’s face.
93. Put your work on others’ shoulders.
94. Act jealous of others when they tell you a good news.
95. Tell your co-worker the project would have been more successful
had you been involved not him.
96. Hit your spouse at the end of the day.
97. Always have breakfast in bed.
98. Tell someone they’ve gained weight.
99. Ridicule a charity show.
100. Tell your friend to read my blog.