OF RUMOURS AND ALLIED.

Just before you begin to read this article, do not close your eyes and say this little prayer,

“Thank you Lord for this amazingly rocking, charming and intelligent, good looking and humorous, kind and gentle, knowledgeable and resourceful, humble and polite blogger.  May his smartness continue to inspire me the whole of my life! Amen.”

Good, so with God’s blessings, you may now read ahead.

A day in the life of Jayesh Vira, is something that you cannot even closely imagine. It starts in the morning, before sunrise, that is. And wait, that’s not all, there is much more to it. Every day brings with it its own bag of “sur-prises”, some pleasant, some even more pleasant. It really helps being God’s favourite kid you know, all the good things just keep on happening to you. And then there are those fans of your, whose needs you have to cater to every minute. Sometimes, they behave like children and demand almost anything, but I finally do it for them, with some level of divine intervention of course. It gives me great pleasure to see the joy on their faces when everything is done, and the look of awe which speaks for itself, “How did he manage to do it “. Well, how I did it is a secret. Aap sirf aam khao, gutliya mat geeno. (You enjoy the mangoes, do not count the seeds, because these are genetically modified seedless-mangoes, you’ll be lost)

My tales of my adventures and accomplishments have reached so far and wide, that even unrelated people from far off lands, have started relating miracles to my great powers. It is indeed very humbling. Thank you!

I was reading the gossip column of the newspaper this morning, as every morning. Isn’t it fun to read all those things, I mean poking our noses where they do not belong? It is one of my favourite time passes.

It is known fact, that when I get down doing something, I get totally engrossed in it, to the extent that I almost always end up writing a thesis on it. Reading those juicy pieces of crap, I got curious to find out what goes in making up such masterpieces of art. More than anything, how do such ideas generate in the first place? So here is my thesis, educate yourself-

Most of the gossips are rumours, rarely with any base of reality. It is one man’s fantasy, and others’ fallacy. Although all of us have the capacity to start a rumour, why is it that only some manage to do so at a regular basis? The reason is that such individuals

1.    are special (not special as in Aamir Khan’s TAARE ZAMEEN PAR).

2.     Their mental faculties are very well developed. They have a very shrewd sense of observation.

3.     They have a very high IQ, probably all would qualify to be members of MENSA.

4.    They have a high index of suspicion (something like a doctor diagnosing a rare disease).

5.    They have very good reasoning capabilities.

6.    They are mostly well connected, it’s like they are a part of a secret group or something.

7.    They are all very supportive of each other (not as in alcoholics anonymous).

8.    They are great orators.

9.    They have tremendous convincing powers.

10   They are manipulative.

11. They are well aware of public opinion and expectations.

12. They are entertainers.

13. In short, they are superhumans (not like dragon ball Z series, where beautiful looking people turn to ugly things when they use their super powers).

 But, anyone who has followed the X-MEN movies will know that all superpowers are mutants. So, what is the super mutation in these GOSSIPOGENS (this is the latest word that has been added to the OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY and FREAK’S MEDICAL DICTIONARY).

The mutation in these individuals leads to an inappropriate linking of facts and fiction, precisely because there is so much fiction in their lives, that the distinction between facts and fiction is lost. The resultant is a product, which is quite entertaining.

It is well known and I reiterate that the childhoods of great comedians were spent in utter depressions. So, it easily follows, and as is a rule in medicine, that there should have been events in their lives (something like a radioactive spider biting them or something of that sort), that precipitate such superpowers. In a telepathic conversation with my friend who is an active member of this clan, whose identity I shall not reveal due to security issues, I was informed that it is anxiety that is a leading cause. Surprising, even superpowers get anxious.

So here is the thing, there is a long standing irritation in their lives. This irritation leads to a reaction in their brains, I propose. And as Virchow has proved that tumour and rubor are two usually independent components of and reaction to any irritation. But, due to the altered metabolism, there is a fusion of the two. This gives rise to RUMOUR. Now, this is like an immune hypersensitivity reaction. Every time there is any irritation, the brain produces a rumour. This is infective, actually infective is not the right word, it is more of like radioactive, affects a lot of people in the vicinity. And it spreads, affecting a lot of people. All the above characteristic superpowers are a gift of this rumourigenic (one more addition to the great dictionaries) focus in their brains.

The next are the group of susceptible individuals who fall prey to these. It is important, because not all fall prey. These have a milder form of the mutation. 

1.They are like weak magnets, do not have any magnetic strength of their own, but become strongly magnetic in the presence of a strong magnet, only to return to their low activity states on removal of the contact. 

2.They are not capable of generating a rumour on their own, but are great vehicles for its propagation. They are the ones who are the most susceptible.

3.They donot use their common sense, for the fear of depleting it.

In the general population, they are about 90%, while the RUMOURIGENS are about 5%. And together they constitute almost the entire population. The remaining 5% are the subjects of the rumours.

The rumouric friend of mine is also a poet, and has aptly described the challenges in the following lines

There are times, when some feelings I harbour,

Give me a heart murmur,

And I feel dumber than Simpson Homer,

I send out a rumour!

But, some proponents have mastered the art with such great perfection, that they use it to get even with others, massage their egos, satisfy their jealousies, or just to add some fun in their hitherto boring lives. They usually remain behind the curtains, and never come to the scene.

Now a little about the subjects of the rumours:

1. They are usually well known.

2. They are even more resourceful.

3. They are easy targets, because they are popular.

4. They are successful.

5. They have catchy names.

6. They are the least bothered about the rumours.

But, with all that can be said, they are suffering from their own mutations. And the world also needs them. For, they add the spice to the world (I am talking about the rumourigens, not the subjects). Without them this world will become very monotonous and bland. They have good qualities, just that too much of good is also harmful for self. We should accept them with open arms.

By the way,

All this is just a rumour

Hope you got the humour.