Once Vroomed, Forever Doomed!

                When we were in pre-school, we would start our essays with ‘I have many friends, but Ramu is my best friend.......' Thus, allow me to start this piece with, I have many friends. Most of them are on the internet and I have never met them per se. Others whom I have met, are graded as no better than acquaintances, friends and ta..da.... Best friends! This piece of literature is dedicated to one of my better friends. Let us call him Ramu for ease of communication.

                So, about a couple of years ago Ramu fell victim to Cupid. The girl was a very nice girl. Well behaved and polite. I was very fond of her only till so long as I had nothing to do with her or as the saying goes around, ‘Dur se hi Ram-Ram’. Usually I do not bother who my friends hang out with, but come on; we are talking about Ramu here. And, it nothing less than pained me to see my simpleton friend being dominated by that pathetic excuse for a human being. In a typical bollywood movie plot, I would go and tell my friend about my evaluation of his bride-to-be (I know this fellow and his day dreaming habits!). Then we would disagree, have a fight, he would perhaps hit me, and that would end our friendship. Then after the chewing gum had been extracted off its last bit of flavour and no longer good enough to be blown into even a bubble, the lady would spit him into a gutter. Then there would be an interval and after that we would meet in a disco, he would apologise and we would sing a hit musical number. Friendship rekindled.

                Now talking about real life! There is no background score, no make-up artist or no body double to take a pasting on my behalf. On top of it, I am not particularly “Hippy” to sing and dance, let alone visit a disco. So, when he introduced me to her, I did what I do the best, lie through my teeth. With a smile that I sport so well for all my emotions, I said, “I am very happy for you!” While at the same time I prayed that the forces of the universe come to his rescue. Whether it was the mutual dislike I shared with the Madame, or she was as sly as a fox or just basic primate instincts on the part of Ramu, I observed that he had become aloof of all of humankind in general. He started writing poetry, surprising, because in school poetry recital was in his words,”Yuck!” And now he was doing the yuck, even more yuckily. Even his actions had become so yucky- he started taking a bath on a daily basis, his monthly expenses shifted from deodorants to fairness soaps for men, he became punctual, dressed like an uncle and had a moronishly happy look on his face all the time. All this pain I suffered, with a smile on a face. What fate had come upon a high IQed beautiful mind? What had that witch (you can use b as well) turned him into? Ramu, as we had known for 20 years, was no more. But, like the old mother in old Hindi movies who would wear black clothes and utter “Mere Karan-Arjun aayenge”, I kept consoling myself.

                Then one day, Boom-Boom-Boomer was launched in India. It was juicier and had a new flavour. And Big-Bubblehead soon fell to disrepute, lost his favour with Cruella (actually she lost interest) and into the drains he was cast even before he could realise what had struck him. I knew this day was to come. I knew it because I am a very innocent little boy and God always answers well behaved children’s prayers. “Duaa ki shakti”. I did what any good friend would do in this situation; enjoy the sight of cockroaches crawl all over him.

But poor Ramu was still love struck. I saw the Hindi version of Makkhi. Innovative and all that, but what I realised at the end of it was that the poor love smitten sole of the protagonist has been doomed for all eternity. He dies only to be reborn as a Maakhi. Neither will he ever let the girl settle in life nor will he get any action himself! He is a drone bee if you realised!

I took him in my fold on his path to rehabilitation. One day he stopped playing the guitar, no more poetry. Such a relief! One could look at his face and tell what all stuff he had eaten over the past three days at least. Karan-Arjun had reincarnated! Ramu was back.

The reason I write this piece is that very recently I saw Madam Maya with my friend. Yes it was raining and the bus stop was all crowded, so I pray that it be nothing more than an awkward encounter. But the buzz also doing the rounds is that there may have been some sparks flying and the irrational romantics are happy. I am afraid that my greatest nightmare is coming true. The dung cake is attracting the flies! Poor Ramu does not realise however that, he isn’t the only fly hovering around this piece of manure. But maakhis do not have such IQs, definitely not drones! They just live to serve the queen, do all the donkey work and die without even expecting any reward.

Once bitten twice shy is an age old idiom, perhaps I can add a few more

Once smitten, always ‘bee’ten!

Once vroomed, forever doomed!

Mr. J's REPORT

(This is a concluding continuation of a previous blog

THE ANONYMOUS RED ROSE. It is advisable that you read it once (click here) , if you haven't earlier, or revise its contents to follow the conclusion better)

After all the researches and investigations, Mr. J proclaims that the case of THE ANONYMOUS RED ROSE is solved!

He also notes that the issue received undue importance and unwarranted attention, considering it wasn't that grave a crime! Thereby, things just snowballed. Mr. J also feels that if he had not intervened when he did, things could have got worse.

The reason why he declined the offer initially was because a lot of people involved were his close associates and he did not wish to strain his relations by implicating any of them. However, he could not reject the call of duty for long, and finally took it up!

THE ANONYMOUS ADMIRER

'The Anonymous Admirer' is none other than the Blue-Eyed Girl. Mr. J's initial suspects were every male in the community, but after deep and thorough investigations and interrogations, he realized that all efforts were being made in the wrong direction and hence no ground could be broken. (Not that he wishes to break any ground. It is vacation time and he wants children to enjoy the play.) He was able to single out the Blue Eyed Girl because of his accurate observations, awareness and high index of suspicion. Here is the entire story:

'That the Blue Eyed Girl and the Dumb Boy had mutually mortgaged their hearts was a well known fact. However, over the past couple of months, situations had changed. The Blue Eyed Girl had realized that there wasn't much scope of development with the current partnership and had singled out on another developer. For that to happen, however, she would have to release her heart from the mortgage of the Dumb Boy. The interactions had slowly, changed into a love-hate relation, in which the Dumb Boy loved Blue Eyed Girl, and the Blue Eyed Girl hated the Dumb Boy. The Dumb Boy, because he was Dumb, could not understand the shift in poilicies and political will, and therefore, continued to remain encroached on the Blue Eyed Girl's property.

This led the Blue Eyed Girl to formulate the Revised Dumb Boy Eradication Programme under which was to get him involved in unruly activities so as to serve as means to achieving the goals. The calculations and statistical analysis that had been available since a long time, indicated that an Anonymous Red rose to the Rose Cheeked Girl would serve as an ideal start for the campaign. It would definitely lead to massive and large-scale public outrage.

These findings were confirmed by the fact that although the Dumb Boy had received clearance certificates by both the erstwhile investigatory committees, his mortgage license to the Blue Eyed Girl's heart was revoked immediately only under the pretext of being a suspect and unestablished grounds of indisciplinary actions. Also, that this was the first incidence of its kind, and all others followed suit. This monumental incidence, however went unnoticed and was under-reported, as everyone was busy investigating for other causes. It was only when Mr. J investigated, that it was given due importance.

Suspect 2 and the Blue Eyed Girl, had in the past too, attempted to sign treaties, but all talks had failed due to some conditions which were unacceptable to the Blue Eyed Girl, which included technological backlog. However, considering the recent developments and success of Suspect 2, he had caught the Blue Eyed Girl's attention. Mr. J would like to make a special mention here that Suspect 2 is a very industrious individual, and was constantly on the look-out for appropriate pacts, treaties and coalition from other appropriate authorities. And the prospect of the Blue Eyed Girl Project were very rewarding to be let gone.

(artwork by his greatness Jayesh Vira)

Verdict:

The culprit is the Blue Eyed Girl, but he does not recommend any punishment, for RIGHT TO GROWTH, RIGHT TO HAPPINESS AND RIGHT TO SELF-DETERMINATION are fundamental rights of an individual.

THE THIRD THREATENER:

At the end of his investigations, Mr. J has found out that the Third Threatener, is none other than The Rose Cheeked Girl.

Who the other two threateners were is quite obvious and the co-responding authorities have accepted responsibility for the same.

Mr. J felt suspicious of The Rose Cheeked Girl, when he went to inform her about the threats served to Suspect 1. The reaction that he received from her were totally unexpected! The behavioural pattern indicated that she was aware of the happenings. On further probing it was realized that the Rose Cheeked Girl felt that her future would be doomed if the allegations on Suspect 1 were to be true! She felt that her good will and face value would suffer badly and irreparably if the allegations were to be proved true. Also, that such a revelation would be detrimental to many of her future projects and would actually drive many of the prospective partners away.

Verdict:

Mr. J concludes that what the Rose Cheeked Girl did was to the best of her abilities according to the need of the hour and keeping her own best interest in consideration . He, however, strongly recommends that she keep herself updated on modern operational techniques, so that she can provide a standard of treatment which is acceptable to all and abreast with the modern times, should such situations arise in the future.

Mr. J also concludes that the methods used by the erstwhile investigatory committees are Barbaric, and should be discontinued immediately. He also suggests that they be dismantled with immediate effect and a new committee be appointed to look into all such future incidences.

He would also like to add an end-note that when ever help is required for the larger cause and benefit of HUMANITY, he will always be a phone call, sms, or email away. If you don't have this information, all you have to do is go on the terrace of any building and shout “Mr. J save me. Help. Help!” and he will be there within the blink of the eye.

Mr. J urges you to be mature citizens of the world and act accordingly.