Once Vroomed, Forever Doomed!

                When we were in pre-school, we would start our essays with ‘I have many friends, but Ramu is my best friend.......' Thus, allow me to start this piece with, I have many friends. Most of them are on the internet and I have never met them per se. Others whom I have met, are graded as no better than acquaintances, friends and ta..da.... Best friends! This piece of literature is dedicated to one of my better friends. Let us call him Ramu for ease of communication.

                So, about a couple of years ago Ramu fell victim to Cupid. The girl was a very nice girl. Well behaved and polite. I was very fond of her only till so long as I had nothing to do with her or as the saying goes around, ‘Dur se hi Ram-Ram’. Usually I do not bother who my friends hang out with, but come on; we are talking about Ramu here. And, it nothing less than pained me to see my simpleton friend being dominated by that pathetic excuse for a human being. In a typical bollywood movie plot, I would go and tell my friend about my evaluation of his bride-to-be (I know this fellow and his day dreaming habits!). Then we would disagree, have a fight, he would perhaps hit me, and that would end our friendship. Then after the chewing gum had been extracted off its last bit of flavour and no longer good enough to be blown into even a bubble, the lady would spit him into a gutter. Then there would be an interval and after that we would meet in a disco, he would apologise and we would sing a hit musical number. Friendship rekindled.

                Now talking about real life! There is no background score, no make-up artist or no body double to take a pasting on my behalf. On top of it, I am not particularly “Hippy” to sing and dance, let alone visit a disco. So, when he introduced me to her, I did what I do the best, lie through my teeth. With a smile that I sport so well for all my emotions, I said, “I am very happy for you!” While at the same time I prayed that the forces of the universe come to his rescue. Whether it was the mutual dislike I shared with the Madame, or she was as sly as a fox or just basic primate instincts on the part of Ramu, I observed that he had become aloof of all of humankind in general. He started writing poetry, surprising, because in school poetry recital was in his words,”Yuck!” And now he was doing the yuck, even more yuckily. Even his actions had become so yucky- he started taking a bath on a daily basis, his monthly expenses shifted from deodorants to fairness soaps for men, he became punctual, dressed like an uncle and had a moronishly happy look on his face all the time. All this pain I suffered, with a smile on a face. What fate had come upon a high IQed beautiful mind? What had that witch (you can use b as well) turned him into? Ramu, as we had known for 20 years, was no more. But, like the old mother in old Hindi movies who would wear black clothes and utter “Mere Karan-Arjun aayenge”, I kept consoling myself.

                Then one day, Boom-Boom-Boomer was launched in India. It was juicier and had a new flavour. And Big-Bubblehead soon fell to disrepute, lost his favour with Cruella (actually she lost interest) and into the drains he was cast even before he could realise what had struck him. I knew this day was to come. I knew it because I am a very innocent little boy and God always answers well behaved children’s prayers. “Duaa ki shakti”. I did what any good friend would do in this situation; enjoy the sight of cockroaches crawl all over him.

But poor Ramu was still love struck. I saw the Hindi version of Makkhi. Innovative and all that, but what I realised at the end of it was that the poor love smitten sole of the protagonist has been doomed for all eternity. He dies only to be reborn as a Maakhi. Neither will he ever let the girl settle in life nor will he get any action himself! He is a drone bee if you realised!

I took him in my fold on his path to rehabilitation. One day he stopped playing the guitar, no more poetry. Such a relief! One could look at his face and tell what all stuff he had eaten over the past three days at least. Karan-Arjun had reincarnated! Ramu was back.

The reason I write this piece is that very recently I saw Madam Maya with my friend. Yes it was raining and the bus stop was all crowded, so I pray that it be nothing more than an awkward encounter. But the buzz also doing the rounds is that there may have been some sparks flying and the irrational romantics are happy. I am afraid that my greatest nightmare is coming true. The dung cake is attracting the flies! Poor Ramu does not realise however that, he isn’t the only fly hovering around this piece of manure. But maakhis do not have such IQs, definitely not drones! They just live to serve the queen, do all the donkey work and die without even expecting any reward.

Once bitten twice shy is an age old idiom, perhaps I can add a few more

Once smitten, always ‘bee’ten!

Once vroomed, forever doomed!

A-JO: The Love Story of A Cute and A Serious Boy.

This is the legend of A-Jo and the love of his life, Baby.

1942 B. C., Mesopotamia:

The times in Mesopotamia were changing. The glory and the prosperity were past their peak a long time ago. The hardships that had come upon the subjects had forced a great amount of civilian unrest. Riding on a legacy of peaceful and prosperous existence that spanned over millennia, the administrators of Mesopotamia found themselves incompetent to tide over the crisis. Some serious steps were required to be taken and quickly. For Mesopotamia, the time was running out quickly.

The crisis of Mesopotamia had started a decade ago with the state of Avon declaring its independence after the central army of Mesopotamia failed to secure its gates against the invading Trichons of the North. The Trichons of the North had abducted the Low Chancellor of Avon, Teea and the subjects of Avon had demanded Teea be rescued. But as the constitution of Mesopotamia placed the state before the rulers, this was not to be. And this led to Avon declaring its independence. Many other neighbour states who feared an invasion by the raiding Trichons of the North too declared their independence. Thus, cut off from its most of its resourceful regions, Mesopotamia was under tremendous stress.

“What should we do now?” asked the High Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

“We need to do something, I think!” reiterated the Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

“We should consult someone.” said he High Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

“The Oracle of Jay had predicted the crisis of Mesopotamia a thousand years ago!” reiterated the Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

“But no one knows where the Oracle is now. The founding Fathers of Mesopotamia had hidden in some undisclosed location. And the boundaries of Mesopotamia have greatly expanded since then.....” said the High Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

“Yeah, and greatly shrunken also”, chucked the Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

“Whatever! We need to find that Oracle. It’s our only hope.” said the High Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

“Guards, take out our torches and load our ships. Today we said to find the lost Oracle of Jay.” said the Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

“We cannot go! We are the administrators of Mesopotamia. And also that we are old..... None the less, in order to correctly express the gravity of the situation, we must call this a very High Level State Sponsored Secret Mission. We will have to appoint someone to do this.”, reiterated the High Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

“But, how will we find the right person to find the Oracle of Jay?” asked the Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

“Just the same way as our founding fathers founded Mesopotamia. We will leave at night and travel through the darkness with blindfolded eyes and whosoever we see in the morning first will be our man.”, declared the High Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

“Or woman.....” chucked the Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

And so they set sail. The night was spooky. And the Chancellor's constant chucking throughout the night also contributed to freaking the High Chancellor out of his skin. Finally, the day dawn. The duo unfolded their eyes. And stay in the midst of the unknown land waiting to glimpse upon someone. Waiting for their hope.

At a distance the High Chancellor saw a young man in his early twenties walking alone, whistling a sweet tone. “Good morning Young man. We are the High Chancellor of Mesopotamia and the Chancellor of Mesopotamia.”, said the High Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

“Sire, I am A-Jo. I am a cute and a serious boy!” replied the young man.

“A-Jo, the entire fate of Mesopotamia depends on you. You have to find for us the Oracle of Jay”, said the High Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

“Okay..... How does it look, where is it?” asked A-Jo.

“Well, if we knew all that stuff we would have got it ourselves.....” chucked the Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

“We will wait for you here so that you don't have difficulty finding us later”, said the High Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

“It seems like a dangerous voyage. Searching unknown things in unknown lands. What if I don't return.......” asked A-Jo.

“Well then, we won't wait for you.......” chucked the Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

“Huh...!” exclaimed A-Jo.

“Young man, we'll settle all that after you come back. And think positive. The nature calls for you. Remember, we want only the Oracle, you can keep the ruins of the war!” said the High Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

“Ok, but what if I run of supplies on my journey?” asked A-Jo.

“Tell them, you are on a very High Level State Sponsored Secret Mission.”, replied the High Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

“And how will I know when I find the Oracle of Jay?”

“Just trust your instincts.” replied the High Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

And so, A-Jo set on a journey after which his life would never be the same.

After travelling for 2 days, A-Jo was finally out of liquor. He went to a shop and demanded liquor. The keeper gave him and when asked to pay, A-Jo replied, “I am A-Jo. I am on a very High Level State Sponsored Secret Mission. The State will pay you.” And so, the keeper handed him over to the state authorities.

“Who are you?” asked the Counsel.

“I am A-Jo. I am on a very High Level State Sponsored Secret Mission.”

“What non-sense. And which state is it?”

“The State of Mesopotamia!”

“Guards, Mesopotamia sends drunken spies to Trichon. Imprison him in the invasion tower. They will have to pay for this....... Another invasion is on..... In three days we will invade Mesopotamia.”

In the detention tower, A-Jo was thrown into a cell with only one window. The room was dark and clumsy but for a narrow beam of moon light entering in through the window. A-Jo had become sober by now. “Who--- Who's there? I am A-Jo. I am on a very High Level State Sponsored Secret Mission of Mesopotamia.”, he asked.

“I am Teea, the Low Chancellor of Avon.” was the reply.

A-Jo looked towards the narrow beam of moonlight flooding the clumsy cell. And what he saw stunned him. He lost many a heart beats. From the shadows emerged a figure. Flawless fair colour. Hair that shimmered in the moon light. And did I forget to mention that he had never seen bigger or more beautiful eyes than those. The gait, majestic and classy. A-Jo was swept off his feet. He moved closer. Extending his hand, he touched the beautiful face feeling the warm breath.

“You are so beautiful. What can I call you?” wondered A-Jo loudly.

“Baby! That's sort of a pet name.” replied Teea.

“Oh Baby, you are the most beautiful creation of the creator. All my life, I have dreamed of someone like you. If only I could make you mine?” A-Jo excaimed.

“In fact, you can!” replied Teea. “If we escape from here, you can. Finders keepers!”

“That’s great. But how do we escape from here?” asked A-Jo.

“Well, you seem to be the chosen one. So, you figure out.” replied Teea.

“Have you never tried to escape?” asked A-Jo.

“Well, no. Why should I? I am the Low Chancellor of Avon. Isn't Mesopotamia supposed to send someone over to rescue me? This is such a moot question. And also I don't know horse-riding.”, replied Teea.

“O......, but for this beauty, I would never rescue you. And by the way Avon has been independent for over a decade now and so technically speaking its Avon's job to rescue you, not Mesopotamia's.” replied A-Jo.

“My God, I am ruined! That invasion has brought about so much bad...” cried Teea.

“Do you care educating me a bit more about the invasion?” asked A-Jo.

“OK. You must be aware that Avon has been known to produce the finest species of horses, the Avonian Raptors. Unknown to us, some of our Raptors had escaped our stable and run into the Trichon territory to the North. The Trichons, now craved for the Raptors. And so they invaded Avon and took away the Raptors.” replied Teea.

“Then why did they capture you?” asked A-Jo.

“Well, their leadership felt that I would look very lowly of the mighty Trichons to invade only for horses. So, as the Head of State they took me away as well, aiming to bargain me for a few more raptors and extending the olive stick. But, now I can understand, Avon and Mesopotamia are themselves in a mess, so nothing has happened. Bloody bureaucracy!” sighed Teea.

“I heard them planning to invade Mesopotamia again in three days! What could they want now?” asked A-Jo.

“Well, as far as the rumours go, they are upset over Mesopotamia sending over drunk spies! Or, in untrained hands, Raptors are difficult to control. They must have run off and now they want more.” said Teea.

“Then why don't they trade you for some Raptors as planned, rather than invade?” asked A-Jo.

“You see, Avon is independent of Mesopotamia now. I was an administrator for Mesopotamia. Now, in Avon nobody cares who I am. Dirty politics!” replied Teea “Now I get why this tower is also so sparsely guarded.”

“So, escaping will not be difficult. There is the Great Bear”, said A-Jo pointing at the stars from the window “So, that is the north and Mesopotamia is in the South-East. We have directions. All we need is time and speed.”

“Well, you’re getting lucky!” exclaimed Teea “Baby likes you, and he is the fastest Raptor I've known.” replied Teea.

“Then, what are we waiting for? Hop on. Let's go Baby!!! Yee-haaa!” cried A-Jo.

Surely, Baby proved that he was the fastest horse on Earth. By the time the guards could alert the borders of the escape, the three had already galloped out of sight. By noon the next day, they met the High Chancellor and the Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

“Here's our man!” exclaimed the High Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

“And his woman....” chucked the Chancellor of Mesopoamia.

“No, this is my Baby! And this is the erstwhile Low Chancellor of Avon.”, replied A-Jo.

Mesopotamia prepared its armies.

“I want you two, to quickly go to Avon and get them on our side.”, said the High Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

“But she is worthless there. Avon is independent of Mesopotamia and no one gives her a damn!” protested A-Jo.

“Go there and tell the people that the proponents of Independent Avon had you abducted and Mesopotamia has rescued you. Come on, I expected better from you! You aren't new to this....” said the High Chancellor of Mesopotamia, looking at Teea.

“Dirty politics.....” chucked the Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

And with that Avon and her sister states resolved to rejoin Mesopotamia. The Trichons surrendered when they heard of Mesopotamia preparing an army. Thus, the borders of Mesopotamia expanded even in the North.

“But, the kid didn't get us the Oracle of Jay, and yet he kept the ruins of the war....” chucked the Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

“That is the Legend of the Oracle of Jay! It always appears when Mesopotamia is in danger. Let us say, we have hidden it somewhere safe, only to be searched when Mesopotamia is in danger ever again!” said the High Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

“Legendary...!” chucked the Chancellor of Mesopotamia.

A-Jo and Baby lived happily ever after.

WHEN I UNDERTOOK A PAST LIFE REGRESSION!

I am one of those people who is constantly influenced by trends in society, a little slow to understand stuff and one who always messes up in life, big time. I watch only those movies which come with sub-titles. I hardly apply my own knowledge and utilize my own understanding. I feel using my common sense will deplete it. I do what everyone else does – blind folded. It is easier to follow in the footsteps of others than trying to be a yourself. You mix in well with you know, and don't take up fights and animosities and always end up with bad company. Everyone loves you and you love everyone back and love spreads and overwhelms my life at times.




My mom always maintained that I should restrict myself to singing on television and not at home or in temples or public places to keep myself safe from being mobbed down by fans. So, I participated in Indian Idol. There were so many souls there who thought that they were great singers. Well if just learning one song would make someone a good singer, I can sing all songs new or old, classical or western with equal finesse and expertise, that too without any training. But they did not even let in me audition. Such injustice. When I argued for my right to participation, they said,” You sing so well, that the judges will get a bout of depression and music labels will have to shut down as people may stop listening to music all together.”


But I did not lose hope. I took this rejection in my stride. I then went to audition for “ the Great Indian Laughter Challenge”. There too the same problem. They did not let me audition saying that the quality of my jokes was way too advanced for the public to understand it, appreciate it and be able to laugh.


OK. Fine. So next went, for “ Dance India Dance”. Baby bad luck followed me there as well. My partner was a bit heavy, and I could not catch her when she jumped in the air. ( I felt intimidated). she fell off the stage. I was disqualified. Her mother stared threatening to sue me. And I was fined for the table that broke.


Then I recollected, that I had read some where that social service helps to bye bye baby bad luck. So I went to an asylum. I met an acquaintance there. He looked at me and smiled happily. How happy he was to see me there!!! Even before I would tell him the reason for my arrival, he muttered, “Now you've come where you belong”. He sent two peons to usher me. For the first time in my life I felt that I belonged somewhere. This is where I wanted to be. But again, I was kicked out. I protested. But they said that my influence was too much for them to handle.


This is not right. I am a specially talented personality. At every stage of life I've had set backs only because I am more talented than others. Ye kaha ka insaaf hai?


Then I decided to go for 'Sach ka Samna'. He asked me the first question – Have you ever been kicked out? I said “ Yes.”


Q. 2 Have you ever put on your shirt buttons. - No.


Q. 3 Does your mother still spoon feed you. - Yes.


Q. 4 Do people run away from you.- Yes.


Q. 5 Do you have an ambition in life. - No.


Q. 6 Have you ever spoken intelligent. - No.


Q. 7 Do you bed wet. - Yes.


Q. 8 Are you ever of any help. - No.


Q. 9 Is Ram Gopal Varma ki Aag your favourite movie. - Yes.


The next question was to give me Rs. 10 lakh. This amount could not be taken away from me. He offered me to quit. But I have never been afraid of telling truth in my life. I decided to continue.


Q. 10 Do you forget to wear your pants when you go out. - No.


But be said that it was a wrong answer. I had once again come so close to winning and lost it. Now, I realise, perhaps this is the reason why people giggle when I pass by.


My instant fame got me a fan though. This girl contacted me. She said she had always dreamt of a loyal and true person like me all her life. We met. I fell for her. Her hair was blonde and she was very intelligent. “Jackpot !”, I exclaimed. We had a quite a private time on the wada-pav thela. I liked way she was fighting for a 25 paise coin. Such a courageous girl. We were outside an electronics store, where she pointed to an oven and said it was the latest TV. Such a sense of humor. When we were on our way back, I told her that I liked her blonde hair. But that her teeth were more blonde than her hair. She walked off and never came back. Shattered!!


That's when I saw a new TV show on past life regression. I applied. I wanted to know what I had done, that I was suffering such set backs.


I reached the set. The lady told me to relax. She said she would hypnotize me. I soon lost all touch with reality. Now she was controlling me.


I wandered over endless desserts, and seas and mountains and clouds.


Until I reached some trance. I was visualizing my past lives.






Life 1: I was a tortoise. I sang songs in the pond. Pond had dried. Birdie offered help. Took me by a twig. Midway in air requested a song. I sang. Crashed.


Life 2: I was a joker in a King's court. Pulled the king's mustache and kissed his daughter. Nailed.


Life 3: I was a damsel in distress. Knight came to my rescue. Master attacked him. I wore a short skirt. Knight distracted. Knight died.


Life 4: I was scientist. Wanted to prove law of gravity and air resistance. Jumped along with apple and feather from a tower. Proved the law, but didn't live to tell to others.


Life 5: I was a hunk. Hottie asked me if I knew a man who would rub suntan. Directed her to the beach cafe.


Life 6: I was a blonde. Doomed.


Things now got crystal clear to me. I had to break the jinx. I decided to get realistic. I decided that I should study and become intelligent and smart and make “wise decisions”. Got good marks in 10th. Chose science. Studied hard in 12th.






Current life: Doctor.