Once Vroomed, Forever Doomed!

                When we were in pre-school, we would start our essays with ‘I have many friends, but Ramu is my best friend.......' Thus, allow me to start this piece with, I have many friends. Most of them are on the internet and I have never met them per se. Others whom I have met, are graded as no better than acquaintances, friends and ta..da.... Best friends! This piece of literature is dedicated to one of my better friends. Let us call him Ramu for ease of communication.

                So, about a couple of years ago Ramu fell victim to Cupid. The girl was a very nice girl. Well behaved and polite. I was very fond of her only till so long as I had nothing to do with her or as the saying goes around, ‘Dur se hi Ram-Ram’. Usually I do not bother who my friends hang out with, but come on; we are talking about Ramu here. And, it nothing less than pained me to see my simpleton friend being dominated by that pathetic excuse for a human being. In a typical bollywood movie plot, I would go and tell my friend about my evaluation of his bride-to-be (I know this fellow and his day dreaming habits!). Then we would disagree, have a fight, he would perhaps hit me, and that would end our friendship. Then after the chewing gum had been extracted off its last bit of flavour and no longer good enough to be blown into even a bubble, the lady would spit him into a gutter. Then there would be an interval and after that we would meet in a disco, he would apologise and we would sing a hit musical number. Friendship rekindled.

                Now talking about real life! There is no background score, no make-up artist or no body double to take a pasting on my behalf. On top of it, I am not particularly “Hippy” to sing and dance, let alone visit a disco. So, when he introduced me to her, I did what I do the best, lie through my teeth. With a smile that I sport so well for all my emotions, I said, “I am very happy for you!” While at the same time I prayed that the forces of the universe come to his rescue. Whether it was the mutual dislike I shared with the Madame, or she was as sly as a fox or just basic primate instincts on the part of Ramu, I observed that he had become aloof of all of humankind in general. He started writing poetry, surprising, because in school poetry recital was in his words,”Yuck!” And now he was doing the yuck, even more yuckily. Even his actions had become so yucky- he started taking a bath on a daily basis, his monthly expenses shifted from deodorants to fairness soaps for men, he became punctual, dressed like an uncle and had a moronishly happy look on his face all the time. All this pain I suffered, with a smile on a face. What fate had come upon a high IQed beautiful mind? What had that witch (you can use b as well) turned him into? Ramu, as we had known for 20 years, was no more. But, like the old mother in old Hindi movies who would wear black clothes and utter “Mere Karan-Arjun aayenge”, I kept consoling myself.

                Then one day, Boom-Boom-Boomer was launched in India. It was juicier and had a new flavour. And Big-Bubblehead soon fell to disrepute, lost his favour with Cruella (actually she lost interest) and into the drains he was cast even before he could realise what had struck him. I knew this day was to come. I knew it because I am a very innocent little boy and God always answers well behaved children’s prayers. “Duaa ki shakti”. I did what any good friend would do in this situation; enjoy the sight of cockroaches crawl all over him.

But poor Ramu was still love struck. I saw the Hindi version of Makkhi. Innovative and all that, but what I realised at the end of it was that the poor love smitten sole of the protagonist has been doomed for all eternity. He dies only to be reborn as a Maakhi. Neither will he ever let the girl settle in life nor will he get any action himself! He is a drone bee if you realised!

I took him in my fold on his path to rehabilitation. One day he stopped playing the guitar, no more poetry. Such a relief! One could look at his face and tell what all stuff he had eaten over the past three days at least. Karan-Arjun had reincarnated! Ramu was back.

The reason I write this piece is that very recently I saw Madam Maya with my friend. Yes it was raining and the bus stop was all crowded, so I pray that it be nothing more than an awkward encounter. But the buzz also doing the rounds is that there may have been some sparks flying and the irrational romantics are happy. I am afraid that my greatest nightmare is coming true. The dung cake is attracting the flies! Poor Ramu does not realise however that, he isn’t the only fly hovering around this piece of manure. But maakhis do not have such IQs, definitely not drones! They just live to serve the queen, do all the donkey work and die without even expecting any reward.

Once bitten twice shy is an age old idiom, perhaps I can add a few more

Once smitten, always ‘bee’ten!

Once vroomed, forever doomed!

Sarcasm

Off late I have been enjoying The Big Bang Theory. And the character which appeals the most to me is Sheldon. The high IQ part, love of Physics and know all attitude apart, another similarity which I find with the character, is our innocence when it comes to decoding Sarcasm.

For a very long time I was in the dark as to what the word SARCASM meant itself. I first came across the term in my 6^th standard when while reading a writer’s biopic, came a sentence, “He was a master of sarcasm.” Sarcasm? What was that? An average student would have either asked the teacher what it meant or better still just not bother about it as he didn’t bother about the other things that he didn’t understand. But, I thought I’ll look it up in the dictionary when I reach home. Then in the Geography lecture that followed, the teacher spoke about SAARC (South Asian Association for Regional Co-operation). Being the analytical and inquisitive mind that I was since a tender age I figured out that in English all religions end with ‘ism’. For eg., Jainism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism, Zorostrianism and so on. So, SARCASM was the RELIGION OF THE SAARC PEOPLE. I didn’t discuss this with anyone, wanting to selfishly hoard the knowledge to myself as many of my colleagues still do.

Then I entered medicine. This field has been a life changer for me in more ways than one. In medicine I learnt that anything that ends with an ‘asm’ is a disease. Eg., spasm, neoplasm etc. So, when I was the Editor-in-Chief of the Medical College Magazine last year and some of the members on the editorial board suggested that we add a section on Sarcasm in the magazine, I realised that in the light of the recent advances in vocabulary, as sarcasm has an ‘asm’ not ‘ism’ it is a disease and as almost everyone that you see at in my college is into some or the other research, perhaps they had researched into sarcasm and wanted to publish their findings. OK, I said. Why not? This also cleared my long lasting doubt as to what ‘being sarcastic’ was. I always felt bad, that despite trying to search for literature on the Practices and Believes of Sarcasm and finding none, people easily used phrases such as ‘stop behaving sarcastic’, ‘very sarcastic’ etc. How did they know so much about the concepts of Sarcasm, a long lost religion when it wasn’t even being taught in school or preached somewhere? Now, if I were to consider Sarcasm as a disease, then being Sarcastic made sense, just as being spastic made sense. That writer that I had read about was a biologist who had researched on sarcasm and also written some novels, like most of us nowadays. (I thought it was related to sarcoidosis)

Just by the way, when Baba Ramdev was enjoying his claim to fame, for a short time I also believed that Sarcasm was described in Yoga as Sarc-Aasan, and when I had gone on a tour to South India, I thought Sarcasm was a Mallu delicacy like Rasam, Uttapam, Payappam, Prasadam etc. etc.

So, we had a full section dedicated to sarcasm and my editors handpicked the articles for the section. And when the book was released, a large chunk of people came complaining, ‘There is no sarcasm in sarcasm.’ A couple of contributors even came and said, ‘Jayesh, how could you put my article in sarcasm. It was intended for philosophy, not sarcasm!’ To this my standard reply would be, “I know. Even I didn’t find anything in your article sarcastic, but the editors made the choices.” I mean they were not research papers, but the editors would have labelled me a dictator if I had objected to this decision of theirs.

But, the final nail in the coffin came last week and my eyes opened and I finally got down opening the dictionary and looking up what sarcasm actually meant. I’ll describe the chain of events for you. There is this old foe turned friend in college. Old foe, because we were competitors in 12^th and she wouldn’t be particularly happy on seeing my usually delirious devilish demeanour (I know because she was quite vocal about it then as she is now), turned friend, because as luck would have it, we were batch mates in the first year and she sort of relied on me to pass her exams. Not that I showed her my papers, but she somehow managed to take a peek into them anyway. So, old foe, you can’t trust. She would encourage me to write about people in our college and comment on all the gossip that was going on. While at the same time, she went about bhadkaoing all those people and uksaoing them to slap me,  until a weak hearted human being finally fell for the temptation last week. As I walked into her and a common friend to whom a blog has been dedicated, she declared to me what she was doing all these years when I considered her a friend and even before I could say anything, I had five fingers imprinted on my left cheek, courtesy the other friend as he declared, “Jayesh, how could you have written such things about me.” One more had come up to the Gymkhana the other day, in a manner that was quite reminiscent of those movies of 70s & 80s when the hero (usually Dharmendra) would enter into the villain’s den, unarmed and alone, shout “Kutte-kamine, maa ka doodh piya hai to bahar nikal”, tell him a few things right-left and centre, enrage him, then about 2000 strong fauj of the villain, with fully loaded guns and grenades would attack him, and with a few acrobatic skills and a fighting technique with sound effects of ‘bhishum bhishum’ would kill them all and leave, his anger avenged. Luckily, this time no one got killed, but he did speak to me requesting me “to stop this non sense”, in some not so polite words. The next day onward, I decided to be a little careful about what I commented. So, while I usually am very straight faced and do not hold myself back even while making nasty comments, and refrain from saying polite things as a rule, I toned down a bit and commented “Nice photo” on the profile pic of one of my friends. I expected the reply would be, “Thank you JAYESH”. Instead I got, “Are you being sarcastic?”

This is what people have begun to think of me. Even Anu Kapoor calls me a ‘Sarcastic sperm’ now. 

Just think, if every discussion is to be viewed sarcastically the following exchange of little sweet nothings that I heard while I was sneaking up on the lovebirds in my college will have a completely different meaning,

Girl:  Do you love me?

Boy: Yes. Yes, I love you.

Girl: How much?

Boy: I cannot tell you.

Girl: Till when will you love me?

Boy: Till death do us apart.

Girl: What will you do if I die? (Didn’t you hear, he said the love lasts only till death do you apart.)

Boy: I will go mad. (Seriously???)

Girl: You love only me?

Boy: Yes, only you. And no one else. Tumhari Qassam! (Take the hint lady!)

Girl: When will I meet your mother?

Boy: There is no need. I have told her I will bring home the girl of my choice.

Girl: What do you like about me?

Boy: Nothing in particular, everything in general. Ask me if there is something I do not like about you.

Girl: If an apsara came down and offered you all the wealth in the world, will you leave me for her?

Boy: Leave you. For her????? Never.

Girl: What do I have that an apsara does not have?

The further conversation took a course that is not suitable for a blog meant for family viewing.

I have always been truthful about my opinion. After hunting down Chinkaras and getting drunk and running their cars over poor people sleeping on pavements, don’t you forgive people in the name of Being Human? I have always called smart people smart without intending it to mean dumb. Is it my fault, if you read too much in between the lines and think about yourself the other way round? Anyway, if ever you have felt about yourself that way after reading my blog, intentionally or unintentionally, I apologise. Please forgive me.

TINA !

        Its almost been a week since the vacations have begun, and with each passing day all my study plans seem a distant reality. I was wondering, therefore, what has lead to this sudden lack of concentration. And, the answer was clear, I still hadn't moved on from the fiasco that had happened last Sunday. It was a battered ego now that was giving me sleepless nights. Also, it was the thought of Tina, that too was giving me sleepless nights. Somehow, I failed to convince myself that she wasn't existant! Now, I was only afraid that some day I may turn into “Jay J” ( a sequel to “Dev D”), and start preaching about the good effects of alcohol( if you dont know, click here to read)!

No, no, this can't happen. Revenge, they say, tastes sweet! And, I like everything that's sweet. Those of you lucky human beings, who manage to catch a glimpse of me daily, would have figured that out already from my body contours. If not, then “ I just said it”. I WANT REVENGE! This I decided on Tuesday, after I saw Pirates of the Carribean. Inspired by Jack Sparrow, I set out to gather my own crew. Cricket bats, stumps, hockey sticks, they all are available from the Gymkhana against a valid college I Card, all that I wanted now was a crew.

So, I set sail (not literally, please think intelligently) to find a few strong men and a few more beautiful women to serve as distraction! As I was walking, I realised that someone was following me (There was someone, I'm not a psycho!). I turned around, to find the biggest surprise of my life. It was something I had never imagined would happen. I was awestruck, dumbed. What was happening was unbelievable. Once again I pinched myself, it hurt, thus it was true. O My God, I thought, miracles do happen.

Even before I grew out of my thoughts, I found myself getting lost in those eyes. Those beautiful eyes, they hadn't changed a bit, though mine have narrowed down to the extent that I feel that someday they wont be visible at all! Big, bright. Playful, cheerful. Teasing and comforting! All at the same time. As I continued to get lost deeper and deeper on tose magical eyes, memories, started emerging from the even more deeper corners of my mind. Where had all of them disappeared all these years, I thought. Perhaps they were locked away in some safe vaults of my hitherto dysfunctional brain, saving them for this precious moment.

As more and more memories emerged from their hideouts, a picture developed before my eyes. I couldn't see around, what I could see, though was a world, not so long ago, where there was only happiness around. We were naive, we were just innocent little minds. NO raw emotions, no rat races, just life as it should have been! Took me back to my teens. This moment of introspection was interfered briefly when she jumped, rather pounced, on me. Oh she just hadn't changed! How easily did she forget that we were in the middle of the road. Thousands of people around us. All starring eyes. She had always been this carefree, and driven completely by emotions. That was what had lead to us meeting in the first place.We had done this before, not just once, but a thousand times perhaps, but I was 12 then and people didn't pay all that attention, but now I am 21. She, she was the least bothered. She had just not changed!

“Woo hooo, TINA. I shouted”, getting equally unaware of the surroundings! Then I was struck by an awareness. How easily had I forgotten her! That so mean on my part! Even after last Sunday while I was busy trying to search for a Tina, where none existed, it didn't even strike me about the one that existed!

Tina, I know her since I was 12. My schooling was done in a boys school ( I know what I have missed, but Boys school is an experience in itself, that you can't get anywhere else!). There was a seperate Girls' School not far away!!! :) And it was on my way home:) :). Tina was in the girls' school.

We had met, I remember, on a rainy day. School had just started. It was one of the early showers in Mumbai. I was walking back home with my new umbrella (simple joys of childhood). She caught my eye as that “little thing”, who was getting wet. I don't know why but I appproached her and took her in my umbrella. But, she had different plans. She just ran into the rains. I stood, watching her. All those directions from home- “Don't get wet, You'll fall sick, etc.etc, “ just vanished. And I too had run into the rains with her! And thats how we became friends!

This had become a daily routine after that for quite a considerable time. Everday, I would come and wait for her outside her school. We would play for hours, share our stories, run, chase, enjoy! And then, there was that big vacation, (big because that's where we lost touch). The following years were preparatory for the board exams. I got more busy with myself. Time was a rare commodity. Walk home was replaced by taxi or bus rides. And then with each passing year, Tina became a thing of the past!

In college, I made new friends (who still continue to be my friends, accounting for my eccentricities, they are God's Angels, except one, though, she is Devil reborn) and totally forgot that Tina ever existed.

Then is Medical College. What is free time? We don't know! We have been converted into bloody selfish ultra TYPE A personalities, with pitiable egos. Tina, where was she even going to feature on my lists. But, today, when we finally met, she was still the same old self! And none of these bothered her. Whether I am doing MBBS or any other damn thing, would have been immaterial for her. She still viewed me as I was 9 years ago. A lot changes in a decade, but a lot more actually doesn't!

And so began an age old game of chase, one which I had left incomplete! We played for a while, a thousand heads turned, and a double thousand eyes starring and transfixed. I between were also scattered a few smiles. And as we sat for a snack of biscuits, this too was our ritual, I noticed one more thing. She had grown older. I realised that even I had grown older. While I still viewed her what she was 9 years ago and vice versa, we were 9 years older. Yet, the joy of the meeting was as unadultrated as previously. Strange, but true! Two living beings, see each other but visualise something else. It is so easy to live in the past, rather, so desirable to be back into the past!

I was brought back to reality when two other “little things” joined us. They were Tina's “little things”. Wow! The perspective of time is so different for different beings.

Tina, who was a pup 9 years ago, had two pups today!

WHEN MY FRIEND WAS CHUCKED OUT OF THE CLASS

WHEN MY FRIEND WAS CHUCKED OUT OF THE CLASS!

The matter is serious to recieve a glance,

This happens only in a century once,

Read on to find out the cause,

WHY MY FRIEND WAS CHUCKED OUT OF THE CLASS!

It was the lecture de morning,

And if that wasn't a sufficient warning,

But no one had even imagined, that at 8'O clack,,

MY FRIEND WAS CHUCKED OUT OF THE CLASS!

He was punctual as usual,

At the tip of the clock was his arrival,

The night's sleep he had first-class,

MY FRIEND WAS CHUCKED OUT OF THE CLASS!

The teacher was late,

My friend had even not his breakfast ate,

But it happened as was destined,

“OUT OF THE CLASS!” the teacher opined

He isn't a back bencher,

Nor is he ever a part of any mischevious venture,

Innocent he is as the animal that grazes grass,

MY FRIEND WAS CHUCKED OUT OF THE CLASS!

Such was the situation's gravity,

It shook the entire student fraternity,

Life, we thought was now an empty glass,

MY FRIEND WAS CHUCKED OUT OF THE CLASS!

I tried to find a reason,

What may have been his treason?

All I could say was Alas!

MY FRIEND WAS CHUCKED OUT OF THE CLASS!

Slowly he walked down the isle,

It was for him, an extende mile,

As he came to face the wrath,

MY FRIEND WAS CHUCKED OUT OF THE CLASS!

With his head down, he stood obediently,

Why had the teachersummoned him abruptly,

Without even being given a defence chance,

MY FRIEND WAS CHUCKED OUT OF THE CLASS!

Something the teacher to him whispered,

Something that every student heard,

But that wasn't a strong flowervaz,

MY FRIEND WAS CHUCKED OUT OF THE CLASS!

He didnot object or fight,

For his mannerisms polite,

On his face emerged a smile,

MY FRIEND WAS CHUCKED OUT OF THE CLASS THAT WHILE!

Now as the air began to clear,

I could understand what I hear,

My friend had a problem with his RAAS*,

MY FRIEND WAS CHUCKED OUT OF THE CLASS!

This was enough to stimulate my curiosity,

I let it out as my creativity,

Life is not made of marbled glass,

MY FRIEND WAS CHUCKED OUT OF THE CLASS!

But he could have saved his skinny,

Had been a bit witty,

But being a book-worm(sorry for this I can't think of any other thing to rhyme with), he coulnot save his ***,

MY FRIEND WAS CHUCKED OUT OF THE CLASS!

So my friend You donot doze,

After in the morning you have rose,

Atleast not in the front benches,

MY FRIEND, YOU'LL BE CHUCKED OUT OF ALL THE OTHER CLASSES!

I know it happens with you every day,

Like from the window enters a sunray,

You could've taken him for a movie to EROS,

WHEN MY FRIEND WAS CHUCKED OUT OF THE CLASS!

Such an event is rare in our clan,

Just as rare as consumption of the products of bran,

Now I am Doing time- pass,

MY FRIEND WAS CHUCKED OUT OF THE CLASS!

I have enjoyed writing this blog,

It is not rude to laugh,

Take care not to drop your viewing glass,

MY FRIEND WAS CHUCKED OUT OF THE CLASS!

*RAAS- Reticular ascending activating system- Pathways in the brain that keep one awake.